Damned if you don’t
By Debbie Olujobi
When I decided to write down this tale, my motive was to educate my future grandchildren or others who will see my memoirs and be warned about rape and other crimes that befall women. The young lady who was raped had been telling me and a few other friends about her ordeal.
When she got to the part where she agreed her friend’s brother could make a diversion to his home to get money we had all shouted! We shouted because we all knew it was the standard line most rapists use. Rape is an ancient crime; it can be prosecuted because it inevitably goes hand in hand with brutality and grievous bodily and psychological harm.
Date rape is different from rape because it normally involves an acquaintance who employs fear and sometimes even mind altering drugs. Date rape mostly takes place in locations that are familiar to the victim; it is not a back alley crime. It also employs trust and familiarity to lure the victim to the scene of the crime. Because of the familiarity and trust issues, it is a more difficult crime to prosecute and 95 per cent of victims’ hardly ever press charges.
Judgment is the life blood of date rape; the victims more often than not receive 90 per cent of the blame for the crime; while the boys or men who commit this crime are rapped over the wrists or even left unconfronted. I was not surprised to receive an overwhelming condemnation of the young lady in question by a lot of readers and just very few in support of the girl. My question for everyone is this; “Does being in someone’s apartment or office signify consent to have carnal relations?”
I ask this because some men are saying that a woman visiting a man alone must know what to expect!!! That’s really scary if some men really think this way because most women don’t. It’s also more alarming to find that saying no to such advances counts for nothing and is brushed aside while the woman is violated. The crux of the matter seems to be the definition of rape by the sexes.
Women see rape as being taken even when they said no. Unfortunately some men seem to think that no means yes; they call it “stop it, I like it syndrome”. I was relived to actually talk to a number of men who won’t touch a woman who is reluctant in any way; in their words. “There is nothing gratifying about a woman who is frozen in fear and stiff as a corpse. The truth is that most women have had a rape experience of some sort! Some have been raped and others have almost been. It happens regularly because the issue is one covered in shame and silence; the perpetrators are hardly ever punished. After such an ordeal, women often never talk about it and just bury the experience into the archive of pain: most women have one.
The girl in question would probably never have told anyone if there wasn’t a cruel twist of fate added to the situation. After her ordeal, she had withdrawn into herself and her relatives who were her guardians had called the attention of her parents who had summoned her back home in a different region of the country. I came across the young lady in question because she had applied to work for me.
During the interview, I had been impressed enough to offer her a better position and a better pay than what was on offer. It had been a major disappointment to discover she was pregnant. She hadn’t worked for three months when the obvious changes that pregnancy brings began to show and I had called her to a meeting to say we would not be confirming her employment after the three-month probation period as she had not disclosed her pregnancy when she applied.
“God moves in mysterious ways indeed” was the conclusion my friends came to when I had asked them for their help. The entire predicament of the girl had unfolded and I had been moved to pity, especially as I feared she was severely depressed and possibly suicidal. The twist of fate in her situation was a pregnancy that grew despite having regular periods for six months. She had taken to wearing a tight girdle and by the time I had called her for the meeting she was over eight months pregnant.
The dilemma was how to tell her parents!! I didn’t have the courage to do so on my own so I had gathered a few friends; three outstanding and popular personalities to go with me. I remember praying the entire day for favour, calling my pastor to agree with me that her parents would not cast her out and the last minute prayers we all said before we entered the house. I can’t imagine any parent receiving such news with glee but my argument was that the crime had been committed; mistake already made and a life was on its way whether anyone liked it or not.
The recriminations and regrets could come later but two lives were at stake; the girl and her baby. I always think of the way forward, no point looking back when you are about to have a head- on collision with reality. The next few hours were as interesting as I anticipated and, if truth must be told, I was seriously nervous; I just didn’t know how her parents would react!
To be continued.
