My husband or my lover?

on   /   in News 12:00 am   /   Comments

Dear Bunmi,

My husband found out months ago that I was having an affair with a senior colleague. Another colleague tipped him off and I was more or less caught red handed. This lover is everything that my husband isn’t – kind, considerate, loving, affectionate and passionate.

My husband told me to take all the time in the world to think about my future plans. He was so enraged that he said if I did leave, I would have limited access to our children. So I decided to stay in this unhappy marriage for the sake of our children, but I’m not happy. My husband makes an effort to help more in the home and is a better father to the children but I still yearn for my lover. I tried to fmd another job but couldn’t, so we still see each other at work. I’m thinking more about my happiness. Should I stay with the man that makes me happy?

Tala,
By e-mail

Dear Tola,

You really need to be sure about what decision you make. You sound confused for now. Your frustration at not getting what you want has made you angry with your husband who you feel has trapped you. You may have been unhappy in the marriage but you had an affair and you can’t blame your husband for that. He gave you a chance to think things through – what very few husbands in his shoes would do. You chose to stay and he is making an effort to save his marriage and you should show him some respect and understanding.

If you’re feeling frustrated or disappointed, it’s tempting to assume that the grass is greener with a different lover. The reality is, it’s not – it’s just different. If you opt to be with your lover, then you must realize it won’t be smooth sailing. He may be the real deal, but you must think carefully before discarding all you’ve worked for with your husband. Thinking things over will take weeks of soul-searching and you need to sound the opinion of respected friends before finally reaching a decision.

However, if you eventually choose your lover, you must be aware of all those who will be affected, especially the children, and minimize the upset for them.

Why does my best friend resent my boyfriend?

Dear Bunmi,
My best friend and I have been together since primary school and it’s important to me that she likes my boyfriends. She’s always got on well with my previous boyfriends and I respect her judgement. But now I’m dating a man she absolutely hates. She can’t find a good word to say about him. She thinks he’s sneaky, flashy and untrustworthy.

The problem is that I really fancy him. Infact, I think he could be ‘The One’. If he asked me to marry him tomorrow, I would say yes. He’s good looking, sexy and amazing in bed. I wonder if my friend really does have my best interest at heart – or is she simply jealous? This is the first time she’s ever heard me talking about settling down. Now she’s started complaining about losing her social friend. She is also accusing me of being domesticated and boring. Should I listen to her or trust my instinct?

Judith,
By e-mail

Dear Judith,

You might need to do a bit of both. Listen to what your friend is saying and be objective. You obviously love this man and want to defend him, but is he capable of being sneaky and flashy? Does he have an unpleasant side to him? Do you have any doubts at all?

If your friend has· always been supportive in the past, then why should she be any different now? Don’t rush into anything. Give yourself all the time you need to get to know this man and decide about the future. Only, don’t be too proud to walk away if he really isn’t the Mr. Right you think he might be.


How do I make my husband pay for these affairs?

Dear Bunmi,

My husband just can’t put his pants up and I’ve caught him at a few affairs myself. I told him I was fed up with his philandering as the last one was with the tea girl in his office. I was on the verge of moving out when he pleaded as he often did.

This time though, he said I should do whatever I thought would be just punishment for his mistakes. I asked him to let me think about the punishment angle. I’ve always hated my mother-in-law. She drops in from time to time, orders me around and criticizes everything I do. Her son could never do wrong as far as she’s concerned.

So I’m thinking of asking him to confess his bad ways to his mother and ask her to cut down on her visits. My friends think I should make him pay for a well-deserved holiday. What do you think?
Scholastica
By e-mail

Dear Scholastica,

I actually had a good laugh when I read your letter. If the purpose of this punishment is to wipe the slate clean, I’m afraid it won’t wash.

What you want to do is fmd why your husband is having these affairs. Is he happy with your sex life? And does he know why he has to seek other women all of the time?

Understanding his fear and problems might bring you the peace of mind you crave, not vengeance. And leave your poor mother-in-law out of this fracas.


Can my snoring be helped?

Dear Bunmi,

I’ve been a cronic snorer for years. As a result, my wife sleeps in a separate bedroom to get a good night sleep. I was recently told that there are precautions I could take to reduce my snoring and I’ll appreciate any tips you’ve got.
Adolphus,
By e-mail

Dear Adolphus,

If you’re flabby, it is best that you lose some weight as your throat tissues are likely to be flabby too. This makes it more likely to vibrate when air passes through. Dieticians advice you should avoid eating dairy two hours before bedtime as its fat content can thicken mucus, increasing snoring. Also, drinking alcohol before bed causes throat muscles to relax and block you airways. Supporting your neck with a neck pillow while sleeping puts less pressure on your spine and opens airways so you snore less; and wearing an adhesive strip on the bridge of your nose widens nasal passages, reducing snore-promoting congestion.

Sew a pocket to the back of your pyjamas and slip in a tennis ball! It’ll discourage you from sleeping o n your back which allows your tongue to fall into your throat, obstructing air flow. Finally, visit your dentist. Wearing an ti-snore dental appliance to bed is proven to reduce snoring by 99%.

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