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My ex is the love of my life

By Bunmi Sofola
Dear Bunmi,
I got married two years ago when I hadn’t completely fallen out of love with my ex-girlfriend. I met my wife on the rebound after my ex left me for another man. But the relationship didn’t work out and she’s started e-mailing me. My wife is kind, gentle and good company but I now realize that my ex is the love of my life. My marriage is currently childless. What should I do?
Smart
By e-mail

Dear Smart,
Before you do anything rash, like throwing away your marriage, stop and think about your real feelings for you ex. It’s easy to look back at a past relationship with rose-tinted glasses, but she was the one who chose to finish with you and must have had her reasons, which may well still exist.

I would try to make your marriage work, If I were you. Don’t rush back to your ex without being sure she’s not also settling for you on the rebound. What happens if what she considers a better option shows up – again?

How do I tell him it’s over?

Dear Bunmi,
My boyfriend has been keen on me for ages and a few months ago, I started going out with him – partly because he’s made so much effort. But the relationship is going nowhere as far as I’m concerned. I don’t love him at all and would love to finish the relationship. How do I let him down without hurting his feelings?
Vanessa,
By e-mail

Dear Vanessa,
Breaking up is hard to do but if you’re not into this relationship then honesty is the best policy and you have to be cruel to be kind. It is horrible to be left by a lover but sometimes it is harder being the one who takes the responsibility to end a relationship that’s going nowhere, especially when your lover is as hopeful as this man appears to be. It’s flattering to have somebody chasing you so hard, but if you respect him, let him go and find a woman who can return his love.

My girlfriend lies all the time

Dear Bunmi,
My girlfriend is an incurable liar. She can’t help exaggerating events and making boastful claims to make herself big in front of her friends. She’ll lie to others in my presence even though she knows I know the truth. When I challenge her, she claims everybody does it. But I don’t agree with her and sometimes wonder whether I can trust her about our relationship when she’s told so many lies.
Faruk,
By e-mail

Dear Faruk,
Your girlfriend must feel insecure if she has to lie to boost her self-esteem. My guess is a lot of her friends may be as tired of her lies as you. Give her reassurance that she doesn’t need to make her life appear more impressive – you love her just as she is. Give her time to let this message sink in – it usually takes time for braggarts to stop!

My wife wants us to watch porn together

Dear Bunmi,
Recently, my wife confessed she’s always had a desire to watch porn with me. I’m thrilled but a little confused. I’ve often watched alone or with my close friends for a laugh. What sort of porn would be suitable for both of us to watch? And what do I do whilst she’s watching it?

Do I look at writhing figures on the screen or at her? Will she get upset if I get turned on looking at the girls on screen? Am I supposed to say she looks hotter than they do, even if she doesn’t? Should we then have sex immediately after?
Augustus,
By e-mail

Dear Augustus,
I laughed when I read your mail. Why don’t you calm down for a start? Commend your girl for wanting to try something new and involve her in choosing what you watch. A good pointer is to go for a film made by a female director. The men are better looking (standard boy porn tends to feature very average looking guys) and they have female friendly storylines.

As for what to do, have it playing in the background and if in doubt, concentrate on her rather than the girls in the film. Watching her get aroused will probably be enough of a turn on. You don’t need to tell her she’s hotter than the girls on the screen (unless she asks, in which case, of course, she’s hotter!). You’ll be surprised how naturally things will fall into shape.

Can you be cancer free after a hysterectomy?

Dear Bunmi,
A friend in her late 40s recently had a hysterectomy which she found very traumatic. The plus side, according to her, is the fact that she never has to see a gynaecologist again for any cancer tests. Is she right?
Judith,
By e-mail

Dear Judith,
Medical experts say your friend is probably right, but it depends on why she had the hysterectomy and the type of procedure she chose. If your friend had a hysterectomy because of cancer of the uterus, cervix or ovaries, she still needs to go for regular gynaecology exams to monitor for a reocurrence.

If she underwent the procedure for a non – cancerous condition and opted to leave her cervix in, then she will require Pap smears to screen for cervical cancer.

If she had a total hysterectomy (she had her uterus, cervix, fallopian tubes and ovaries removed) most experts would agree she no longer needs to see her gynaecologist.

Some gynaecologists do recommend Pap smears of the vaginal wall, but research has shown that the tests rarely pick up on any problems under these circumstances.

Your friend still needs to see her family doctor or visit her health centre annually to make sure she gets information about breast cancer, heart disease and osteoporosis, among other things.

Can’t get hubby’s friend off my mind

Dear Bunmi,
My husband and I are happy in our marriage. We have two little girls and a satisfactory sex life. Lately however, I’ve found myself fantasizing about other men, particularly my husband’s closest friend. He’s recently been separated from his wife and I find myself thinking about him all the time. I even become jealous when he talks about women he fancies. Is this a symptom of deeper problems in my marriage? I’m thinking of having a bite of this particular forbidden fruit!
Yinka,
By e-mail

Dear Yinka,
Your wondering eyes are not at all unusual- it is completely normal. As a matter of fact, the most virtuous, faithful, pure-minded woman can’t control her thought and lust all of the time because part of  a woman’s make-up is a very strong sex drive.

Don’t, under any circumstance, let guilt pressure you into irrational, possibly damaging actions, including your jumping into bed with this man simply because you find him sexually appetizing!

Whatever you do, don’t tell your husband about your attraction to other men or give him any reason to suspect you’re lusting after one. It would be irksome to both of you if he became anxious or jealous because of your revelations. It would certainly disrupt his relationship with his friend.

Any flirting between you and your husband’s friend must be kept under control. It is natural for you to warm to him and enjoy his affection, but know where to draw the line. Warmth between two people does not have to end in sex.

I can’t talk dirty with him

Dear Bunmi,
My husband of six years is suddenly trying to show a side he never let me see even in our courting days. He wants me to talk dirty to him whenever we’re making love. This kind of talk is so out of character for me, and it would make me upset and uncomfortable. What should I do?
Mandi,
By e-mail

Dear Mandi,
You might find talking dirty in the bedroom to be shocking or abnormal behaviour but many couples see it as big turn-on. It doesn’t mean your’re  a wayward person. I would never tell you to do something that makes you feel uncomfortable, I don’t think it would cause any harm if you tried it out. Why don’t you start by creating a character role to play? Pretend you’re trying to seduce and charm your husband, or simply describe to him how what he’s doing feels to you. You can just whisper all this into his ear.

You may not think talking dirty is your style, you won’t know for sure until you try. It could enhance your sex life once you get used to it. However, if you try it and don’t feel comfortable, tell your husband you want to stop. He should understand, and you two can continue to experiment until you find something erotic that turns you both on equally. He is after all your better half, and who best to let go with?


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Comments expressed here do not reflect the opinions of vanguard newspapers or any employee thereof.