I had an affair to get even

By Bunmi Sofola

Dear Bunmi,
I’ve been married to my husband for over 20 years and we have four lovely children. He’s always had series of affairs that I’ve lost count. I’ve stopped talking to him about them and when friends did, he told them smugly that he must be doing something right or I would have left. He says his affairs are really for the sex and he’ would never leave me for another woman. Big deal!

I’m quite an attractive woman myself and still wear a size 14 dress. I have a good job and dress well and recently I started looking at other men the way my husband might look at other women and wondered what it would be like to have sex with them. You know what? My husband was right, you can have good sex without getting emotionally involved as I’ve since found out. I don’t know if he suspects anything, but lately he’s been showing signs of being jealous, why should he have all the fun?
Halimat,
By E-mail

Dear Halimat,
Are you really happy sleeping with another man who is probably also married? You tolerated your husband’s affairs because he assured you the women with whom he had his casual, uncaring sex meant nothing to him. Rather, he used them for sexual variety and to maintain his self-image as a stud who could pull the girls despite having a wife and four kids. Because you must have felt sure of your husband’s love, his affairs didn’t seem to be a threat to your marriage.

To a woman who had always been faithful to her husband, you’re playing with fire by suddenly sleeping with another man in your middle age – You’re putting your pride, your self confidence and your commitment to the future of your marriage at stake. Your husband might suspect your infidelity but what happens if any of your children finds out? Continue being the supportive wife and mother you’ve always been. Talk to your husband to slow down. Don’t worry; age would soon do that for him!

Can he give me the child I want?

Dear Bunmi,
I turned 40 a few weeks ago and would very much like to have a child before it’s too late. I got married to my husband less than three years ago, and initially sex with him was great but in the last one year, he hasn’t been performing properly. He gets an erection, but will lose it before we have sex or will come so quickly he doesn’t have time to get inside.

I’ve tried to get him to seek a medical help but he says he’s too embarrassed. I’m worried that unless he seeks help, I’ll never get pregnant and my dream of being a mother would be lost. What can I do to help?
Anita,
By E-mail

Dear Anita,
It can be very difficult to admit that you’re having problems with sex though it’s obvious all is not well in your bedroom! Erectile problem can be due to physical or psychological stresses, and often a mix of both. Assure your husband that his doctor will be able to examine him and reassure him physically but you must need professional help yourself in order to tackle the emotional problems that affect his performance.

At 40, it is obvious why you’re desperate to have a baby. A woman’s natural fertility begins to decrease after 35 years and the success rates of fertility treatment fall as you grow older too. Do you think you might be putting so much pressure on your husband that he’s finding it difficult to perform? Imagine the stress of knowing your body can’t deliver what you both want so dearly. The first step is to realize that as a couple, you need help.

See your doctor as soon as you can – as tablets like Viagra, Cialis and Levitra can improve his erection and help him last longer during sex too. Then seek help to explore how you can move forward together. In the meantime, you need to relax and hope for the best.

Is too much beer responsible for my itch?

Dear Bunmi,
Lately, I’ve been experiencing a strange sensation on my penis. As a result, I haven’t had sex for weeks but had been drinking a lot of beer during the World Cup. Can too much beer be responsibly for this itch?
Nick,
By E-mail

Dear Nick,
Sometimes what you eat and drink can affect your urine and cause a minor irritation, but a sexually transmitted infection such as Chlamdia can cause similar symptoms. It is possible to carry such infection and it’s estimated that at least one in ten have Chlamdia so you don’t have to sleep around a lot to pick it up. Get a check-up as soon as you can. The good news is that Chlamdia is easily cleared up with antibiotics.

My girl is good for me but she’s not pretty!

Dear Bunmi,
When I met my current girlfriend, I already had a relationshipj,0ing. But this other girl just up and went with one of my friends, leaving me with this new one who isn’t a -match on my ex as beauty goes. But she is kind, is a good cook and the sex with her is better than my ex. She washes my clothes and even my car!

The problem with her is her plain looks. My ex always has sneer on her face whenever we run into her and my friends say I could do better. This girl has grown on me. She has a good job and comes from a good background. Should I just ignore what others think of her and settle down with her?
Chima,
By E-mail

Dear Chima,
You should really listen to your argument against your settling with this girl and see how vain you are. With all these attributes, You should be rushing her to the altar. What happened to the beauty you once dated-she ran off with your friend at the slightest opportunity! Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder and, at the end of the day, you’ll be the one living with your future wife-not your friends. You’-re currently impressed by her attributes and in case you want to know, there is nothing like ugly. Even in the beast, says the adage, there is some beauty.

He says he’ll never leave his family

Dear Bunmi,
I started an affair with a married man who used to be my next-door neighbour. He moved away shortly after he got married, so I don’t really know his wife. We meet up about twice a week and the sex is mindblowing. I’m completely in love willi him but he tells me he’ll never leave his wife and their two young children.
The thing is, he’s always hai>PY to see me whenever we meet and buys me lovely presents. The looks he gives tell me he has feelings for me. Do you think he loves me without realizing it yet?
Bukky,
By E-mail

Dear Bukky,
I’m sure you know in your heart of hearts that you’re kidding yourself believing this adulterer could be in love with you. This man has been completely up front with you from the start. He’s told you he won’t leave his wife, but because you’ve fallen for him, you’re hoping that he’s fallen for you. Unfortunately, he hasn’t. He may like you, like the sex he has with you but the look is in anticipation of the free no-strings attached sex he craves from you.

If you want something more than he’s offering at the moment, then dump him and look for a man who doesn’t want to eat his cake and still have it.

Could I have only one ovary?

Dear Bunmi,
In the middle of each cycle, I get pain in my right ovary. My right breast is bigger than my left, and I have more hair in my right armpit. Do you think I only have one ovary and could this affect my getting pregnant when I eventually marry? I am 18.
Kanyin,
By E-mail

Dear Kanyi,
It is an interesting theory but unlikely to be true. Although it is possible to have one ovary, – and this could explain the pain when you ovulate – you could also have two, but be ovulating from only one. Having on ovary wouldn’t explain your uneven breasts or extra armpit hair. In fact, none of us is completely symmetrical and I believe you are totally normal. So stop worrying.