Let suffering grow your awareness

Sit for a moment and contemplate the following question, “Is there anything in my life right now that is causing me inner misery and keeping me from moving forward?” Sit and breathe. Quiet your mind. Listen to the answer that emerges from your heart. Hold it in your attention as you continue to read.

What came to mind? Was it a relationship? A habit? An addiction? A fear? Whatever it is, you are not alone. Learning to deal with these pain points is one of the great opportunities of life. We all want to experience something new but we often feel either unable or unwilling to let go of familiar modes of being even if we feel deep suffering.

Take, for example, a client of mine, a wonderful woman who found herself conflicted over a relationship. When she first met her boyfriend there was an incredible spark between them, a deep connection. She felt accepted, cared for in a way that no other man had ever made her feel. This gentleman filled a longing.

Several months into the relationship she began to see that this man wanted to control her–he suggested she forget her friendships to focus on just the two of them. She put her own needs aside to meet his. As time progressed, she saw that she was hurting herself–but she didn’t want to let go. She was afraid that if she did, she would never find another man with his looks and accomplishments.

She tried to make the best of the situation but experienced a repeating cycle of misery. She would tell him it was over. He would woo her back. They would have a few good weeks together then things would return to their old pattern of relating. She was in deep inner conflict. She knew the relationship was causing her unhappiness yet she couldn’t fully release it.

As a life coach, I find it a great blessing when someone comes to a point of acknowledging that they are unhappy and sees the toll it has on their life. Simply being honest with yourself about your personal pain is actually a first step toward change.

As she told me her painful story, I asked her if she was ready to move on. Again, she was honest. She said, “No.” She still hoped that somehow they could “work things out” and learn to be happy together. I suggested that she give herself permission to stay in the relationship even if it meant continued suffering. At the same time I assured her that Spirit would support her without judging her for this choice. I asked her to pray for clarity, wisdom and guidance on the best way forward.

What I’ve come to understand in my personal life and as I’ve worked with clients is that clarified suffering is often a gift. Suffering is absolutely necessary until suffering is no longer necessary. We can’t force ourselves or others to change until we are ready. Once we realize we need a better way to be (especially if we are open to guidance from the Divine), steps towards transformation begin to occur naturally.

Since my client wasn’t ready to make a change, I encouraged her to observe the dynamics of the relationship and the impact they had on her, “If you are going to experience the cycle again, ask to understand your suffering and these dynamics in a deeper way.”

She followed my suggestion and returned to each of our sessions with valuable insights. She began to see how often she felt physically, mentally and emotionally drained, totally exhausted by the relationship. She found there was more fighting between them than kindness. She took note of ways she compromised her moral standards, going along with things she was uncomfortable with because he wanted her to. She more clearly began to hear the critical, often ruthless, comments that her boyfriend would make about her. She noticed that she had lost her own voice— she suppressed how she felt and didn’t express her inner truth because she was afraid of how he would react.

Through her times of observation she realized that she was outgrowing this type of treatment and that she wanted to experience a peaceful, wholesome, fully loving relationship.

I encouraged her to start being honest with her boyfriend. This was uncomfortable territory for her. She began to speak her truth and let him know how she felt. She told him that in order to feel well she needed more personal time. When he made cutting remarks, she let him know it was unacceptable and that she wanted to be treated with respect.

When one partner is willing to give the gift of honesty, things change. Change can take many forms. Sometimes honesty leads one to leave a relationship. I’ve witnessed several instances in which it has led to mutual transformation and greater intimacy.

For this client, there was another outcome. Her boyfriend was outraged by her perspective and chose to walk away. My client says that she feels deep relief even as she is mourning her loss. She misses the bits of comfort and the seeming security the relationship gave her. However, the more space and time she has away from her former boyfriend, the more amazed she is at the price it had exacted on her and others in her life. She has returned to herself. She feels healthier and has renewed energy for life.

Admitting unhappiness and opening to change takes courage. If you feel cramped by the familiar perhaps the seed of something new wants to break through. As soon as we are willing and open, God flows to us the strength, the insight, the support and the help we need. New energy rushes into our lives healing us, cleaning out the pain, and creating a fertile space for positive growth.

As we release old patterns, we find new opportunities, possibilities and wonders—ways to bloom that we never could have imagined while we remained encased in the dark shell of the old. My client is healing. She is learning to love and accept herself. This fresh energy is paving the way to an incredible next chapter of her life.

Are you ready to open to the flow? Your assignment this week is to notice pain points in your life. Is there anywhere you feel uncomfortable, unhappy, stuck or even miserable? Just honestly observe. Then, ask your Source for insight and clarity. Trust that you will be guided one step at a time towards transformation.

I will be in Nigeria speaking in Lagos (September 11) and Abuja (September 18) at the Advance 360 Peak Performance conference organized by Dayo Israel. The conference offers the opportunity to dialogue and engage with me, Dayo Israel, Fela Durotoye, Richie Dayo Johnson, Sir Dayo Olomu, Joshua Awesome and others on issues around Leadership, Entrepreneurship, Business Management, Relationship and Career – issues that affect people on a daily basis. For more details and to register visit

Food For Thought

“Seeds of faith are always within us; sometimes it takes a

crisis to nourish and encourage their growth.”

— Susan L. Taylor

l Patricia G. Omoqui 2010, All Rights Reserved

Patricia Omoqui is an internationally recognized inspirational speaker, life coach and writer. Patricia’s mission in life is to inspire people to move beyond fear so they can reach their full potential.

To share your thoughts about this article, please email Patricia at allure@patriciaomoqui.com or visit her at her website: www.patriciaomoqui.com.