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Hubby runs me down in public

By Bunmi Sofola
Dear Bunmi,
I am a married woman with three children. My husband and I get along fine and the family is happy. But whenever we go to parties, my husband often teases me in public. Admittedly, I have put on a bit of weight since I had the kids, but he waits until there is an audience before bragging about what a provider he was. He would draw attention to my weight and my backside and this always infuriates me. Why does he act this way and how can I make him stop?
Sherifat
Akure

Dear Sherifat,
It will amuse you to know that teasing is as close as many men can get to a public show of affection. This may be the case with your husband. Maybe he is embarrassed to let others know the depth of his feelings for you. So he reaches out to you in a joking manner. If you don’t like your husband’s teasing, tell him you know he loves you but you would appreciate it if he wouldn’t do or say things that make you feel foolish in front of others

Yet teasing is not necessarily sign of affection. Some people tease as a way of venting their anger so you would feel victimized. If you think this is your husband’s aim, tell him you’re no longer going to bear the brunt of his jokes and would like to know why he always puts you down. Also, let him know that others see his behaviours as cruel and inappropriate. This may shock him into finding a better way to deal with his anger.

My partner resents the new me

Dear Bunmi,
I’ve always been overweight since my secondary school days. I now have a good job and live with my partner of three years with whom I have a daughter. He often reassured me he loved me as I was, but I was depressed and unhappy. Late last year, my best friend suggested we both join a gym and I jumped at the chance. I have now lost a lot of weight and I am impressive size 16.

My friends and family are very pleased with the result and their compliments are encouraging. But my partner seems to resent my new figure. Far from being proud of my achievement, he belittles and undermines me, telling me I look ridiculous when I buy trendy clothes and shoes. We now argue non-stop, and if it wasn’t for our little girl, I’d be out of the door. Why can’t he be happy for me?
Tumi By E-Mail

Dear Tumi,
It’s obvious that your partner feels threatened by this new, slim and attractive you. His own self-esteem is so shaky he has convinced himself you are now so desirable that it’s only a matter of time before someone else snaps you up. You need to give him a lot of reassance that nothing has changed – but make it clear that his behaviour is threatening your relationship. He needs to stop running you down by boosting his own self confidence.

Should I forward our video to  his wife?

Dear Bunmi,
I’m fed up to the teeth with my boyfriend’s unreasonable behavior. I knew he was married when we met and all I wanted was a fair share of his time – not marriage. Instead, all I get are snatched moments with him, all the time telling me he had to lie to his wife to be with me. This has really pissed me off. He always tells me he loves me but I suspect he tells me that so as to get me into bed.

Unknown to him, I once used my phone to record us having sex. If I forward this to his wife, she’s bound to hit the roof and maybe end the marriage. This way he would have more time for me or what do you think?
Anna By E-mail

Dear Anna,
Even if your man’s wife ends her marriage because of this nasty video of yours, it doesn’t mean he’s going to come running to you. He is likely to be so angry that he could finish your relationship. Besides, wives seldom pack their bags these days just because of an affair. They prefer to give their marriage all the chances it deserves.

If your lover were to leave his wife, he would have done that without your help. So, the chances are he is only interested in you as a bit on the side. Seriously though, why would you want to be with a man who lies and deceives his wife? He could easily lie and deceive you too. Don’t waste any more time on him. Instead, look for a decent man to share your life with.

How do I know the right man?

Dear Bun mi,
I don’t find it difficult to go into relationships, sustaining them is my problem. I keep on leaving my partners because I thought I would move on to better ones. How do I know when I finally meet the man I would want to spend the rest of my life with?
Bimbo
By E-mail

Dear Bimbo,
You are sabotaging your happiness by abandoning good relationships. Instead of always looking for someone better, see how you can improve your existing relationship,

Finding ‘The One’ is not instantaneous. It takes a journey of discovery to connect with a partner who you want to share your life with and there’s no time like the present to start practicing commitment.

Train yourself to focus your attention on your current partner rather than fishing for other potentials.  ‘The One’ will consume you with love when you eventually find him, and you’ll have eyes only for him!

Our sex life is suffering

Dear Bunmi,
I’ve been married for a few years now to a wonderful man and we have a son. My husband and I still love each other but we both have demanding jobs.

With that and looking after a boisterous toddler, we seldom have time for sex. What can we do as this marriage is too young to be taken for granted?”
Rita
By E-mail

Dear Rita,
Having children could reduce your chances of having an active love life, but you can have one if you create time. Set the alarm clock early, maybe once a week, or go to bed once your son is settled in. Since you both work, you need to agree to take time off occasionally in the afternoon. Better still, can your son spend the night with your parents or a relative he is used to? Where there is a will, there is a way!

His love bites put me off!

Dear Bunmi,
Whenever my new boyfriend gets aroused, he sucks on rny breasts and bites my nipples. He thinks it turns me on, but I find it really irritating and distracting. How can I let him know I want his mouth off rny nipples during sex?
Mandy
By E-Mmail

Dear Mandy,
Great sex is all about communication. If you don’t like what your boyfriend is doing, then you should let him know. How else is he going to learn how to please you? Sometimes it can be  difficult to find the right moment to talk about sex,

When next you’re having sex and he starts to bite and you don’t enjoy it, gently say: “Not yet” or “That’s too much.” Then encourage him to give you more gentle pleasure by showing him what really turns you on. Ask him what turns him on too, so he will feel included in the fun.


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Comments expressed here do not reflect the opinions of vanguard newspapers or any employee thereof.