Does he have feelings for me?
Dear Bunmi,
I’ve been having an affair with one of my husband’s good friends for the past six months and I think I’m in love with him. He’s also married and we’re all good family friends. I’m really confused about the relationship as he carries on as if nothing is between us when we’re with other people, yet he shows a lot of passion in the bedroom.
In fairness to him, it all started out as a bit of fun and I’m sure that’s the way he still sees it. I daren’t tell him the way I feel in case he ends the affair. I also don’t want to seem pushy as he’s made no promises. I know he’s sexually attracted to me. But is that all?
Kuburat
By E-Mail
Dear Kuburat,
Whether or not your lover feels love for you is not the point. Couples everywhere quietly fool around with each other’s closest friends. Apart from thrills, these extramarital games usually have little emotional value and do not provide romance, let alone a happy new beginning. The consequences of being found out are often immensely painful for everyone involved.
There’s no doubt you have feelings for this adulterer – there’s always a feeling of lust between attractive partners when they have sex – it is elementary chemistry. Your husband’s friend is obviously using you for sex and he’s quite happy with the way things are. Put an end to this ‘party’ as soon as you can before you’re left with burnt fingers.
My wife says she’s found God
Dear Bunmi,
After almost 15 years of marriage and three well brought up children, my wife has suddenly become born again. She’s started going to a pentecostal church. She wanted to take the children, but I put my foot down. Before she found God, we never attend any churches. But she’s now changed almost overnight into a person I don’t know and can no longer relate to. Can we ever be the family we once were again? She seems like a stranger to me.
Harry
By E-Mail
Dear Harry,
Do you know what prompted your wife’s conversion? People can turn to religion if they’ve been seriously ill, someone close to them has died,  they’ve had some sort of trauma or decided to radically change their lifestyle. In these circumstances, religion is a form of therapy and a passing phase that’s helpful at the time; seldom a true long-lasting belief.
Even if she were once perfectly happy and simply embraced religion, once she was exposed to it – it sounds very much like you’ve both grown in different directions and have stopped communicating. You need to ask her why she converted and what religion is providing that was missing before. Let her know that while she has every right to worship whatever God she chooses, it doesn’t mean you and the children have to be converted. Let her know you love the relationship you had and feel mariginalised by this sudden change.
A lot of couples have coped with this type of change if the person who’s discovered religion doesn’t try to convert the other and is happy going to church while the rest of the family do their own thing. However, if she’s so devout that things you used to enjoy together are now off the menu, you need to get counseling. If not properly handled, this could put your marriage in jeopardy.
He sends naughty texts to his ex
Dear Bunmi,
I recently had to use my boyfriend’s mobile – with his consent – but curiously peeped through his messages. To my horror, I discovered he’d been sending steamy texts to a woman called Jakie. He said she’s an ex when I confronted him and the texts are just their way of communicating. This still sounds far-fetched to me. What do you think?
Dami
By E-Mail
Dear Dami,
It’s obvious you don’t trust this man of yours or you wouldn’t be scrolling through his messages. You don’t believe his excuse and now he can’t trust you not to peep at his private messages. The tone of these texts appears suspicious, though. Ex-girlfriends should be in the past and any talk should be friendly not using the language of lovers.
If you can’t genuinely believe what he’s telling you then your relationship isn’t that solid. It is now up to you really – either you give him the benefit of the doubt or you find a different partner who makes you feel secure.
