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I dread meeting his new lover

By Bumi Sofola

Dear Bunmi,
A close friend of my ex, who’s also my good friend, is getting married and I’m obliged to attend the wedding.  The problem is, my ex too will be there with his new partner. I’ll obviously make an attempt to look my best but I’m not really over the shock of the separation.

In spite of the fact that my ex has moved on, I haven’t and I’m dreading seeing him happy with someone else while I’m on my own. I strongly suspect the party will end with me feeling miserable and drinking too much. Any tips on how to avoid this happening?
Matilda,
By E-mail

Dear Matilda,
My advice is for you not to walk into the wedding party alone no matter how many of the guests you know. Arrange for a good male friend to go with you. This will stop you feeling like you’re all alone in the world while he has someone. Whilst you should look good, your wits should also be around you.  Focus on your future. Walk into the party knowing your hurt would eventually go away when your heart heals completely.

You might still have feelings for your ex but it’s unlikely you’ll end up alone as good friends are bound to rally around you; you might even end up being as happy as your ex at the party. Afterall, it’s impossible to know if people are happy just by looking at them. He found someone first and this hurts but it doesn’t mean he never loved you. So try  not to see it as a betrayal of the relationship you had, but simply that he has moved on.

Stand clear of too much booze at the party. Getting drunk isn’t going to help you get through this, it will only inflame an already difficult situation. Just have a few drinks to relax and  if you eventually run into your ex, simply say “Hello, lovely wedding, isn’t it?”  and excuse yourself to get a drink or say hello to a friend, and move on. Once you’ve said hello, keep your distance and your back to them. Good luck.

Do ‘small’ men ejaculate quicker?

Dear Bunmi,
I am in my mid-twenties and have had my share of girlfriends. My problem is my penis. It is really small and I orgasm quickly. Do you think the two go together?
Jaiye
By E-mail

Dear Jaiye,
Unfortunately, yes, it is often the case that a man with a small penis ejaculates quicker than men with larger ones. Not only do you have to laugh and bear all those big-is-better jokes, you’re likely to ejaculate faster than your larger friends. All penises have roughly the same number of nerve endings in the head.

If your penis is small, they’re concentrated over a smaller area which makes you more sensitive and prone to premature ejaculation.

The opposite is true for men with big penises because the nerves are spread over a larger area.

My husband sees nothing wrong with ogling women

Dear Bunmi,
My husband’s problem is that he can’t stop himself staring at other women. That is how he was when we met and foolishly, I thought marriage would calm him down but it hasn’t after six years of marriage. His argument is that every man looks at other women, no matter how happily married he is, and that he is being open. But I hate hearing that another woman has great legs or fantastic boobs.

My husband knows I am upset by his attitude and even when he tries to stop commenting, I still catch him turning around mid-conservation to size up another woman’s backside. At one point, I decided to play him at his own games by making comments about other men’s looks, but it didn’t bother him.

He says he can’t understand why his behaviour makes me feel insecure, that he’s always telling me how great I look and says he’d never have married me if he wanted someone else. He believes he has the right to admire other women. When I make a fuss, he says I have a problem with my confidence and should get help.
Ijeoma
By E-mail

Dear Ijeoma,
We all look at other people occasionally. Whilst you should make him aware that his constant staring upsets you and he should modify it, you shouldn’t assume that your husband wants sex with these people. It’s like looking at a menu but don’t want to eat all that’s on offer! Your husband has given you no reason to believe he couldn’t be trusted in the company of other women as, according to him, he not only married you, he pays you compliments all the time.

I’m afraid you’ll have to put up with his look-but-don’t touch attitude towards the female sex as it’s obvious he means no harm.

Why am I infertile at 36?

Dear Bunmi,
I am a 36-year old accountant and in my second marriage. My first marriage lasted two years and was childless. I went on the pill after my divorce and remarried two years ago.  I immediately stopped taking the spill and in spite of fertility treatment, I’m not pregnant yet.

My doctor abroad told me that my fertility level would have dropped considerably because I was over 35. This infuriated me and I am determined to prove him wrong. I mean there are women having children even in their middle forties. Are there other things I can do to aid pregnancy?
Hamdala
By E-mail

Dear Hamdala,
Like you, a lot of women assume that it is all right to put off having children until later in life because they trust their fertility. However, according to recent medical report, “society and the media drum into women from a young age to take precautions to prevent unwanted pregnancy to the point that they start to believe they’re so fertile that if they have one unprotected sex, they will get pregnant.

The fact is that humans are one of the least fertile species in the animal world. It takes an average of four to six months to conceive and fertility reduces dramatically as you get older. One in six couples has infertility problems and faced with those statistics, it is inadvisable to leave starting a family until it is nearly physically too late.

Having said all that, I advise that you relax and continue with your fertility treatments. Anxiety might also be responsible for your not being pregnant. Majority of those who experience pregnancy late into their forties are people who already have other children; not first-time mothers.

My wife is sleeping with my friend

Dear Bunmi,
My childhood friend got appointed into a very juicy post and since then, my fortunes have changed. He’s thrown a lot of contracts my way and we’ve been able to complete our own house and change cars. He’s also made my wife the official caterer of the establishment he works with and she too has become financially secured in her own rights. But not as secured as the way she’s spending money. She buys any aso-ebi going, no matter how expensive, and the array of her jewels is mind-boggling.

Lately, her catering contract has been stretched to providing afternoon lunches for the directors and I’ve heard talks that my friend sleeps with my wife regularly and nobody in his office dares complain about her catering no matter how shoddy it is. I tried to stop her working but my own contracts not only stopped, I found it difficult to collect money for the ones I’d already completed. So I lifted my ban, and of course, contracts started coming in again.

I feel humiliated that things have to be this way. The kids are now used to fancy things and I never want to go back to the days where I had to scrimp and save.

I’ve been advised to look the other way as things like that happen all the time. But I don’t love my wife anymore even though I have this feeling that if I sent her packing, I, along with our three children, would be the ones to suffer. We’ve been married 19 years.
Albert
By E-mail

Dear Albert,
It is sad that men use their wives as baits for contracts these days without batting an eyelid. It’s obvious you feel betrayed by your friend and your wife but is the affluence you now enjoy worth losing your self-respect? What about the children? Wouldn’t they realize that their mother is now the power broker in the family! Where would that leave you?

Your fear is that if you ask your wife to leave, she would laugh and dance out of your lives. But would that be so terrible knowing she’s long stopped being a wife in the real sense of the word? You alone can make the choice-whichever you decide, it wouldn’t be rosy.

Aren’t fruits better eaten raw?

Dear Bunmi,
I believe very much in alternative medicine and I have a trusted herbalist cum nutritionist whose potions have done wonders for my health.

He has just instructed me to buy some roots and boil all of them together with pineapple chunks.

Yet it is believed that fruits are better taken fresh and I want to find out if there is any nutrition left in thc pineapple after its been boiled.
Augusta
By E-mail

Dear Augusta,
Herbal brews are getting so popular these days and medical experts are a bit wary of the enthusiasm with which it is embraced. Whereas orthodox medicine has specific doses for specific ailments, herbal brews contain a lot of chemicals that treat one ailment while storing chemicals that are not really needed in the body. These chemicals are constantly being processed by the liver and too much of this could be harmful.

Having said that, pineapples on their own not only taste delicious, they also help digestion as they contain the enzyme bromelain, which breaks down food protein. They also soothe aches and pains as bromelain is also an anti-inflammatory which helps alleviate joint pains and sinusitis. It may speed up tissue repair after sprains and sports injuries too.

Pineapple is an excellent source of vitamins-just two thick slices of pineapples provide a third of your recommend daily amount of vitamin C. It can also keep your weight in check as two juicy slices contain only around 85 calories. Pineapples are also rich in fibre, helping to prevent constipation, stimulate the digestive system, and reduce the risk of gallstone.

So if I were you, I should forget about the brews and enjoy the taste of fresh pineapple, which is in season now, and the goodness it brings.


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Comments expressed here do not reflect the opinions of vanguard newspapers or any employee thereof.