How much can you tell your spouse?

on   /   in Human Angle 6:43 pm   /   Comments

Hi,
Who is your confidant? Is it a friend or your spouse? How much of your secrets can you share with your spouse?
Love, they say is about giving and sharing, which can only thrive where there is mutual trust, understanding and effective communication between the partners. So, who better can you share your secrets with other than the one you claim to love, cherish and share your body with? The one who is supposed to know you inside out.

However, this appears not to be the case with a lot of couples, young and old. Going by the narratives from some of our respondents, reasons, ranging from traditional to moral grounds were attributed as part of the barriers militating against sharing of secrets between partners.

In this edition and the next, we will be bringing you some of the responses sent in by readers on the issue. Please, do remember that you may still send in your viesw/opinions/contribution on this topic. You may also send in any human angle story of your choice, but it must be based on a true life experience. Our address remains:

The human Angle, Vanguard, P.M.B. 1007, Apapa, Lagos. Or our e-mail address: humananglepage@yahoo.com We look forward to reading from you. Cheers!!
Hi Yetunde,

I would like to react to your article with the title above, not on personal experience or experience from anyone, but strictly on personal judgment.

Now, the fact remains that human beings are human, they are not perfect, only God is. So, no matter how much a couple love themselves, it is still a matter of wisdom that certain issues be kept private and secret. Sometimes, it is even better to keep certain things secret in other to maintain peace and evade the problem of misunderstanding.

You see, it is often said that communication is a very important ingredient in a relationship like marriage. This is so if such communication is positive, because positive communication builds healthy relationship; but negative communication can tear couples apart.

Imagine a man for example who has been raised to always respect a woman, but now finds himself sexually harassed by a female worker in the office.

This goes on until he finally gives in to adultery. He begins to enjoy the affair and after sometime though, he does a retrospect and decides to stop the abominable act. Would it not be better if he remains silent to himself and desist from such act, than he obediently, all in the name of love, confides in his wife, what he has been doing, promising her not to do it again?

The wife may lovingly forgive him but he may have succeeded in shattering the hedge of trust between himself and his wife and unconsciously the wife may begin to suspect any unusual thing he does even if it were harmless.

Sometimes secrets are best kept as secrets. Isn’t it why it is called secret? Because you can never tell what the reaction of the person you’re telling will be; neither can you trust the comportment of the person you are telling to keep it secret, at the end of the day, your harmless kind gesture of love may turn out to be a grave mistake that will alter the course of your life.

Even priests who receive confessions that are supposed to be guided secrets, sometimes unconsciously reveal such secrets in an attempt to portray a symbolic story.

Therefore, I am of the candid opinion that secrets should be kept as secrets and if they are to be told at all, then it should be to an unknown person living far away and who doesn’t have access to you.

If it is becoming so pressing you need to spit it out, then it could be used as an example of a story you heard from someone else, even if you are indirectly talking about yourself. In that way you can get an unbiased, objective view and advice on your secret. It should be shared with strangers not loved ones.

Chukwuka Ojeme
Environmental hygienist and writer
Chumarth@yahoo.co.uk

Dear Yetunde,
I am of the view that there should be a limit to the things we share with other people, especially our spouses. Just like a Yoruba adage says, it is not all clothes that one must hang outside in the sun. If you do, then everyone will know what you have under. What is supposed to be a secret must be secret.

Once you tell anyone, no matter how close you think that person is to you, then it is no longer secret.
Ironically, it is those we think are close, those we think ought to protect our interest, watch our backs, that are most likely to hurt us.

Mobolaji Akinsola
38, Olorunfunmi street,
Oworonsoki, Lagos

Dear Yetunde,
This topic is very important and educative especially for women. All the people who spoke on this subject analised everything so much that there is not much to talk about.

I agree with all the things that they all said. I hope all other women who read this piece will take cue from what have been said and use them as guideline in their relationships.

I am especially concerned about women because we are the ones that tend to forget ourselves when we think we have found love. We are the ones that tend to make most of the sacrifices, just because we want to belong to a man and get married, with the hope of living happily ever after. And this is unfortunately not the case most times.

My advise is that, just as the men in these stories held fast to the belief that they must not share family matters with their wives, the same ought to go for the women. It is no longer a fact that all women rely on their husbands for everything they need and own. Women too have come of age in many ways, unfortunately, not in the area of love.

Even the most powerful or wealthy woman will still fall at the altar of love. Most of us, will do the most foolish things when it comes to matters of the heart. Many of us would take the most ridiculous of risks, just to prove our love. And many will also make the grievous sacrifices, including family and friends, just to remain in love.

My advise to women is that we should learn or try as much as possible to love with the hindsight that no condition or situation is permanent. The only permanent thing is change and love is no exception.

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