By Bunmi Sofola
Iâ€™ve been close to a group of women for a long time and we talk openly about various topics. Recently, one of our group memberâ€™s sister suffered a cancer scare and she was warned not to get pregnant for a couple of years. Our group was all for her not even having sex at all and joked that she should be glad to be off the boil! It was obviousÂ that some of them donâ€™t have frequent sex with their husbands.
For the past few years, Iâ€™ve been struggling to overcome a dislike of sex. I love my husband but donâ€™t feel like having sex as often as he does. Sometimes we start, but I soon lose interest. I think I have reached the age where sex loses its appeal! Iâ€™m approaching 50 and fear he could look for sex elsewhere.
There isnâ€™t a universal age at which your libido switches off. Many couples in their 80s enjoy love making, while there are thirty-somethings whoâ€™ve sunk into sexual apathy.
â€œUse it or lose itâ€ holds true for lovemaking. So maybe your friends got into the habit of not doing it. It could be causes of unresolved issues in their marriage.
But what about yours? Do you feel resentful of your husband or neglected by him? One theory for loss of desire is that the woman blocks herself with negative thoughts about her partner during sex. As you start off aroused but lose your desire, this sounds a possibility. Focus on the positive to see if that helps. And let your husband know you miss sex. He must feel rejected and will appreciate knowing you want to reconnect.
At 50, this is the time to enjoy love-making without inhibiting fears of pregnancy.
I am obsessed with my teacher
I am 17 and Iâ€™ve just started at a polytechnic. I really enjoy my studies but I currently have a crush on one of my teachers. Even though heâ€™s in his 40s, he looks really sexy. Every time I have lectures with him, I get excited. When he comes up to me in class, I get really shy. Iâ€™m normally a loud girl but Iâ€™m very quiet during his lessons. Iâ€™m sure he has realised that something is wrong. All this is making me disoriented with my studies. Can you help?
As youâ€™ve already observed, when you become attracted to the opposite sex, you think and dream of little other than the person who has suddenly become the object of your attention. And because you donâ€™t know the person well, youâ€™re able to fantasise that heâ€™s a desirable and perfect person youâ€™ll fall for is often inappropriate and not someone that would make a satisfactory mate.
So enjoy your crush while it lasts. Believe me, the thrilling feelings you now sense will soon pass. One day, not so far from now, your teacher will seem like just another middle-aged man. Youâ€™ll wonder what you ever saw in him. To end your crush more quickly, focus on all the sensible and down-to-earth things that tell you this teacher could never be your boyfriend. In time youâ€™ll be able to give the love that you now feel to some nice young men who catches your eye.
Heâ€™s nagging me to have group sex
My current boyfriend is a real charmer and I get on well with his friends. A few nights back, we all went out together to a night club and there was some harmless dirty dancing.
Since the guys brought their own girlfriends, there weren’t any bad feelings. Only now my boyfriend has this crazy idea that we should have group sex with some of his friends.
He said heâ€™s tried it before and it was not a big deal. What do you think?
Youâ€™d be out of your mind to even consider it. This whole thing suggests your boyfriend is far more concerned with having a bit of fun than developing a loving caring relationship with you. Heâ€™s much more interested in being good to his friends than considering what you want. As for his happy-go-lucky friends, theyâ€™ll see you as an easy meat from now on.
So say a firm no. If you still want to see this man after the suggestion heâ€™s made, see him without this bunch of friends hanging around. And if he or his friends come up with another bright ideas, run a mile.
He finds condoms too fiddly!
My boyfriend is really hopeless when it comes to using condoms. Sometimes he canâ€™t put one on at all, but at other times, they will slide on quite easily only for them to slop off even when we try smaller sizes. Please help!
It sounds as if your boyfriend would benefit from reading the instruction inside the packet before he next leaps on you! If the condom wonâ€™t roll on easily, then chances are that heâ€™s not fully erect, or that the condomâ€™s inside out. If it slips off during sex then it could mean that heâ€™s wilted a little, or that itâ€™s the wrong size.
A condom thatâ€™s too small will slip off just easily as one thatâ€™s too big, as it wonâ€™t fit properly in the first place. So perhaps your boyfriend should actually try using a larger size next time1
Our love has lost its sparkle
Iâ€™ve been in a relationship with a man I greatly adore for close to a year. It used to be a passionate relationship but heâ€™s been acting very withdrawn lately. I donâ€™t think thereâ€™s anyone else; it just seems as if the magic has gone and Iâ€™m terrified he has stopped loving me. Is there a way I could tell if he still cares?
There is no foolproof way to tell if someone has stopped loving you. But there are clues. So try this quick test I came across recently to check the state of your relationship:
(a) Does he still have happy memories of when you first met?
(b) Does he still flinch away when you go to kiss or hug him?
(c) Does he talk positively about you to other people?
(d) Have you actual proof that he has recently lied to you or deceived you?
(e) Is he still talking enthusiastically about a future together?
(f) Has he started to refuse to do things that you want him to do?
If you said â€˜yesâ€™ to questions a, c, or e, score one point for each. If you said â€˜noâ€™ to questions b, d, or f, score one point for each. If you scored a total of six, itâ€™s unlikely your partner has fallen out of love. You need to sit down and talk to him about what he thinks and feels. If heâ€™s prepared to talk â€” particularly if he is willing to try to get things back on track then there is still hope.
Isnâ€™t this toy boy too young?
Iâ€™ve just ended a terrible relationship that left me really heart broken. A few weeks back, I ran into this man at a wedding reception and we exchanged business cards. He looked terribly younger when he called wearing casuals than when he did in the agbada he had on at the wedding that I had to ask him how old he was. He said he was 29 and Iâ€™m 45!
When I told him, he was young, he said it didnâ€™t bother him. My friends believe I should take it as a compliment that someone that young finds me attractive. Should I go for it?
I agree with your friends â€” take this as a compliment and enjoy it thoroughly. But it would be foolish to fall head-over-heels for this young man or expect a long term commitment.
This is almost certainly not something that is going to last. It is a fun fling to get you your confidence back after the break-up. See it as that and youâ€™ll be fine. Get serious and youâ€™re heading for another heartbreak.