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Should my friends be loyal to my ex-wife?

By Bunmi Sofola

Dear Bunmi,
After months of wrangling, my wife finally admitted to having an affair and has opted to stay with her lover. We have only one child and she said she was no longer in love with me. I was devastated.  Most of our friends are really upset by our break-up and confused by what’s expected of them.

I don’t want to be petty and force people to take sides, but do you think it’s acceptable to ask them not to see my wife with her new man simply because it condones what she did? What she did was cheat by committing adultery and that’s wrong. Is it fair for me to say I don’t want them to meet this man, even if they do still want to see my ex?
Alao
By E-mail

Dear Alao,
This is definitely an awkward situation for you and your ex. If these friends are mutual ones, they are probably getting pressure from your ex’s end as well. If she intends staying with the new guy on a long term basis, they will have to accept him eventually for the friendship to continue. What you can do for now is to handle the situation with sensitivity. Hopefully, your ex would allow a period of time to elapse before flaunting her new beat  at social outings.

Your wife is in the wrong here for having an affair and she needs to accept that the scales need to be balanced in your favour. That is why I think it’s totally acceptable to tell close friends you would find it insulting if they welcomed him with open arms immediately, though you will have to accept that eventually they may have to. If it’s of any consolation, people rarely stay with the person they had the affair with. They both know what they’re capable of, so trust is low and once you put a hot lover in the role of loving spouse, the sexual spark fizzles fast. So he might not be around long, anyway!

I want to reap my invested money

Dear Bunmi,
I am a fairly comfortable man financially and I run a thriving computer business. 1 am married with children and have had the occasional affair from time to time. However, some few months back I met this girl who was then a newly appointed secretary in my friend’s office and I started what 1 thought would be a casual affair with her.

But I’m now completely infatuated with her. It was a surprise when she gave me one of the best sex treat I’ve had in my life and sex with her gets better and better.

I  gave my wife my word  that I wouldn’t have children  outside our marriage. But I have invested so much cash and emotion in this girl that I feel I shouldn’t let another man enjoy the fruits of my labour, so to speak. She is keen on having my baby. What is stopping me really is my promise to my wife. Should I be tied to a promise I made years ago?
Gbenga
By e-mail

Dear Gbenga,
The fact that you think this particular affair is ‘hot’ makes a difference to the sexual charge you feel with other women. As you must have discovered in all the affairs you’ve had since your marriage, an illicit liaison is much more exciting than real life!

Far be it that I should be the one to help you decide what to do but if you’re prepared for a double life, endless conflicts of time and loyalties and risking your marriage, you can have your love child. But when reality kicks in, you’ll discover it’s not such an exciting prospect.

This fever will definitely burn itself out. Since you are a serial philanderer, the earlier you tried to stop, the less conflict you would have.

I am now cynical about relationships

Dear Bunmi,
I think that too much emphasis is placed on sex these days and I’m a bit cynical about relationships. This worries me a lot. I am a 28 year-old girl and have lost count of the number of men I have slept with.

Most of these men I would ordinarily not sleep with but you discover that once you are left alone with a man in a room, he wants to sleep with you at all cost.

And the lies these men tell! Majority of them make me believe I was the type of girl they’d always been looking for as a wife. As soon as I get pregnant, they didn’t want to know. I had a few abortions as a result as I don’t believe in a single parent family.

Now I’m completely off sex and it worries me. I think am a bit cynical about relationships now and it worries me also to be this way.

Diana
By E-mail.

Dear Diana,
I think you are a bit depressed as a result of all the disappointment you’ve had in the past, hence the cynicism and indifference towards sex. It takes two to  have a meaningful relationship and it shouldn’t make you feel guilty you’d been let down in the past.

I advise you to take things easy and be less eager to trust every man professing to be in love with you. At your age, you should be matured enough to know what you want from a relationship and to discourage opportunists.

In the meantime, concentrate on simply enjoying life with friends and relations until a serious man shows up. When he does, take time to know him better before committing to him.

My old flame is back!

Dear Bunmi,
I’m in between boyfriends now as I split up with the last one only recently. The split left me feeling low until recently. A boyfriend who cheated on me a few years back got in touch out of the blue. He wants us to go out on a date and I’m seriously tempted to say yes. He was such good fun when we were an item. Should I?
Felicia
By E-Mail

Dear Felicia,
If you believe this man has reformed, then you can trust him. But I’d steer clear of him if I were you. First, a guy who cheats is not a good bet. The chances are high he’ll cheat again. Second, you’ve only just ended a relationship. If you rush into another straight away you’re likely to make a bad choice. Being on your own for a while is a much better option than getting involved with a love rat and getting yourself hurt all over again.

How do I get over him?

Dear Bunmi,
I was with my boyfriend for three years and, towards the end of last year, he left me. He got a good job in another state but said he was no longer interested in our relationship and that both of us were free to seek new partners. My problem is that 1 don’t seem to be able to move on. I can’t forget him and I miss him so much it hurts.

Most nights, when I come back from work, I sit in my bedroom looking at photos of us together and listening to songs that remind me of him. I’ve had offers of outings from other men, but I can’t bring myself to say yes. I don’t want to go on pining for a man who has already moved on. Do you think I’ll ever get over him?
Irene
By E-mail

Dear Irene,
You’ll need to accept that these things take time. You have suffered a great emotional loss and you need to go through stages of recovery – so don’t rush things. Have a good cry then whip up anger at your partner for not loving you. You’re probably stuck in this rut because you don’t want to feel angry about a man you used to love.

Why not try to remember all the times he hurt you and put you down? Then, slowly, start to feel yourself come out of your grieving and you’ll begin to live your life again.

How much eggs should an adult eat?

Dear Bunmi,
A few years ago, my dietician put me on a diet that forbade eggs and other high cholesterol foods. It took a long time for the level of the cholesterol I had in my blood to drop.

Now my young doctor told me that cutting off eggs totally from my diet is unnecessary. That an egg a day does more good than harm. Is he correct? He does seem to know what he is saying.
Fabian
By E-Mail

Dear Fabian,
Eggs have certainly done a turn-around from their ‘bad diet’ image. Dietary guidelines provided by the American heart association now allow for an egg a day.

Study has shown that saturated fats are the real culprits when it comes to raising blood cholesterol level. An egg has a mere 15 grams. What eggs really have is lutein and zeaxauthin, two antioxidants that help ward off eye diseases such as cataracts.


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