By Bunmi Sofola
I am a faithful reader of your column because of the sound advice you often give. On a few occasions, however, it seems you believe a girl having three or more lovers before wedlock is taken as the norm. Donâ€™t you think this is very wrong? With such easy pickings, men must be having the time of their lives-except when they catch a disease along the way.
If sex is worth anything, it is worth waiting for. Treating sex as a commodity or having sex on a whim devalues it and causes so much grief and guilt. Without love, sex becomes as meaningless as scratching your bum.
There is an alarmingÂ rise in AIDS and sexuallyÂ transmitted diseases. There are also thousands of unwanted children languishing in orphanages all over the world. All this misery being caused by a few minutes of sweaty struggle borders on the obscene.
I have received similar letters lately and quite a few quoted copiously from the Bible! Yet we must all admit that years of being free and single stretch much longer these days as youngsters delay entering committed relationships. Girls once became fertile as soon as they were married. Today, society encourages them to become physically and emotionally more mature before agreeing to marry and rear children. Inevitably, most, if not quite all, experiment with sex while they wait for marriage.
Most divorcees, and many whose partners have died, also seek sex without marriage. Sexually transmitted diseases and unwanted children spring from ignorance, recklessness and lack of choice. Condemning sex between young people encourages furtive behavior that spreads guilt, accidental pregnancies and infection.
I agree with you that sex is beautiful and valuable but it shouldnâ€™t be cheapened or made shabby, A golden rule is never to do anything of which we feel ashamed; instead of making arbitrary judgments about which couples should or will enjoy sex.
IÂ have a healthy appetite for sex
I am in my mid-twenties and have a healthy appetite for sex. I like to know if a man is really good in bed before committing to having a relationship with him. Most of the time, I sex-test my dates before deciding whether I like them or not. As a result, Iâ€™ve broken off with a couple of my dates after having unenjoyable sex with them.
Now my friends tell me that Iâ€™m getting a reputation for using and dumping men.Â That is the furtherest thing on my mind.Â How do I change this opinion?
Plenty of women have sex early in a relationship and there is nothing wrong with that. But if some of these friends who are warning you are genuine friends you can trust, then perhaps you should tread more softly. A man (and a woman, come to that) doesnâ€™t want to be tested, he wants to know you like him and that sex is an expression of affection as well as passion.
You can sleep with a guy after youâ€™ve found out that you will get on with him. That doesnâ€™t necessarily mean that you should instantly have a deep commitment to him. It simply means getting to know him and working out any problems the relationship might have instead of walking out.
He threatens to hit me back
My boyfriend and I are in our late twenties and we live together. We earn good salaries, have a car each and I love him very much. However, since weâ€™ve started living together, Iâ€™ve discovered that Iâ€™m usually bad tempered with him. When an argument hots up I lash out at him though I usually feel contrite afterwards.
We usually argue about when we should get married but he always sees no need to rush into it, as he puts it. Heâ€™sÂ Â now startedÂ Â reactingÂ toÂ myÂ violenceÂ Â andÂ Â hasÂ Â threatenedÂ to retaliate by hitting me back if I continue. How do I curb my violent streak?
I guess the fact that your boyfriend sees no reason in getting married now that youâ€™re both living together has made you a frustrated partner. But domestic violence is not the answer. If you want marriage and he doesnâ€™t, then you have to decide whether or not to stay in the relationship. You should have spelt out the terms and conditions of co-habitating before you took the plunge.
Have a talk together and decide which would be the way forward for both of you. As things are, he obviously sees no reason in getting married when youâ€™re already in his net!