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Should you be wary of one night stands?

By Bunmi Sofola

What sort of buzz, drives a man to one-night-stand, relationships’. Lola had accompanied her friend to her ex-husband’s birthday party, hoping to have the good time she promised.  “He has birthday bashes annually”, said Lola, “and my friend has stayed friends with her ex because he was a good provider even when their marriage wasn’t really working.

“He is a real clown, more a Jack-the-lad than the successful man he’s turned out to be. The party, apart from its not being landmark party, was elaborate – good food, good booze and a good crowd.

The music was a jazzy mix. Later in the evening, I stood outside the busy toilet when he said I could use the one in his bedroom.  I wasn’t there one minute, when he burst in and was all over me.  I was shocked. He mumbled that he’d been watching me all evening; that he’d found me attractive for ages, and all those mushy things men say when they are in heat.  I was shocked and terribly embarrassed.  I had never given him the impression I fancied him.

I tried to beat him of but he was too strong.  Unfortunately, my knickers were already round my ankles and he raped me there and then.  He was out of the toilet before I knew what had happened!  I felt so used and humiliated and when I got back to the party, I thought everyone would know what had happened tome.

But they all just carried on enjoying themselves.  My rapist didn’t as much as look my way and when we left, he even saw us off telling my friend what a beautiful lady I was. I felt so humiliated but I wanted to blurt out what happened but who would believe me?”

Kayode prided himself as being a good one night stand man.  “I simply love the challenge of bedding a girl the first time I met her, if I find her attractive, that is”, he bragged.  “The moment I clamp my eyes on a victim, the possibilities start running through my mind.  Will we be sexually compatible?

Will I come too quickly or won’t I be able to come at all?” One night stands have a habit of cropping up, if not often, then once in a while, especially nights when there is too much flirting and drinking at parties, giving you too much build-up opportunity.  “Then you kid yourself that the chemistry between you and your victim is right and then, wham!

“Of course, I’ve burnt my fingers from time to time. I’ve discovered, for instance, that my prowess between the sheets -if you call it that – has become topic for conversation at some female get together during the course of their now frequent drinking chin-wags. Women, like men, now freely discuss their sexual escapades and I’ve listened to a few deride the techniques of some really influential men.  Makes your flesh crawl at times!

“They are certainly more brazen than men especially when they’ve had a few drinks. So, it’s not only men that are the predators. Some women offer you sex on the platter when it is the furtherest thing in your mind!”

How to help if he’s after a one night stand!
According to Dr. Holmes, a senior psychologist specializing in human relationships at Manchester Metropolitan University, you can tell who’s right for you. As he puts it: “There are basically five ‘party man’ personalities and, if you know what to look for, they’re easy to spot. Men tend to over perform in the presence of others – especially at a party, when their personalities become exaggerated.

These guys think their character is what attracts the women, and so they’re not going to tone down their approach”. In short, once you know what to look for, just a few minutes of careful observation and a quick chat will reveal exactly what he wants out of a date and thereby ensure you get Mr. Absolutely Right.

Mr. One Night Wonder: “I use my body language and my eyes a lot when I’m at a party”, says Scott, a 26 year old trainee pilot. I also try to touch the girl as much as possible to break the ice and relax the situation. For instance, I might place a hand on her lower back when I guide her to the bar or table. I use lines such as “I love the perfume you’re wearing – you’d better not get too close, you’re driving me wild”. A slow gentle sniff around the neck can lead to a gentle peck on the cheek.

“One night stands are always exhilarating. In fact, the last one I had was about a week ago. I was with a girl I work with. We went for a drink and she told me her flat mate was out and that we could have the flat to ourselves.  She made it clear she was looking for fun. We went back to her flat and had sex. I always make sure it’s safe sex, by the way. There was a bit of tension in the air the next time we worked together, but that adds to the excitement.  I love the thrill of the chase. When I was 19, I met a girl in college.  Our relationship lasted throughout or course. But back in Lagos, commuting between two states eventually took its toll and she ended the relationship.  I took the break up quite hard and it became a watershed in the way I behave. These days, I make sure relationships are short and very sweet.  That way, I don’t get hurt and have a lot of fun.

“Not long ago, I was at a friend’s party and this girl kept looking at me. I could tell she was interested by the way her eyes followed my every word. I didn’t encourage her at all, but she just stayed on until the early hours.  It was pretty obvious she was up for more than just a friendly chat, so a few hours later, after a lot of flirting I thought, “What the hell’, and booked us a motel room.

“We parted the next morning when I had to rush to work after oversleeping she was a stunning girl but there was no question – that was it for me.  The next day, she turned up with her number and a present, I never called her back and I never do.  Being Mr. One Night Stand means I can be anyone I want to be for a few hours. It is extremely sexy and very exciting.”

How to spot him: He’s an odd blend of intimacy without commitment. He seems totally alluring and irresistible but beware whatever he tells you over a few drinks, his interest is only short term. You might bump into him hanging on to the end of the bar trying to find his friends, or wandering aimlessly around a club having come from nowhere and heading nowhere.  He’ll appear to have all the time in the world for you, yet will ask you your name more than five times in one evening.  He avoids any questions that might reveal his whereabouts over the next two weeks.


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