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Should I spend some of my inheritance on a fling?

By Bunmi Sofola

Dear Bunmi,
I’m married and have always been a one-woman man. Now that I’m going on 45, I’m beginning to wonder if I’ve been missing something. I have always worked in the company of available women but I have kept myself in check. I am attractive, and have had more than my share of propositions over the years.

Recently, I inherited some money (my wife doesn’t know about this) and I’m in a position to show a girl a good time. I can even afford a small apartment near my place of work which is a bit far from my home. This will enable me entertain as if I were at home. I’m tired of saying no to all these ladies flaunting themselves at me. Should I say yes?
Ken,
By E-mail.

Dear Ken,
What you’re really asking is if I think you should take on a mistress? Well, what’s stopping you? Be rest assured that if you did, you would be writing to me a few months later on how to get your marriage back on track! Temptations abound. Even your wife gets tempted too, if you ask her. That doesn’t mean you should rush head-long into it!.

Why don’t you use a bit of that inheritance on your family? Show your wife you still care about your home and she’s bound to bend over backwards to please you.

Saturdays are love nights – if I’m lucky!

DearBunmi,
My life is so empty. I feel I must do something while there’s still time. My husband never tells me he loves me, never takes me out – not even to the local joints – and never pays me a compliment. He goes out drinking with his friends most nights and spends Saturday watching sports on the telly.

On Sundays, he spends the day with his widowed mother. Our love life is on Saturday nights – if he’s home. At 30 and with just one child, I feel I could still find love with someone else but 1 can’t bring myself to walk out on him. Is there any other alternative?
Clarion
By E-mail.

Dear Clarion,
Have you tried telling your husband how you feel? An honest talk might bring him to his senses. But since you’ve allowed his neglectful behavior to go on for so long, he might not get your point right away.

Ask if you can go with him to visit your mother-in-law and suggest she visits more often. You can also invite friends over for an evening or go visiting together. Many wives suffer from what is called the doormat syndrome because they don’t get up the nerve to tell their husbands how they feel. I would give the relationship another go, if I were you. Only let your husband realize he’ll have to put in more efforts.

I want us to be more than friends

Dear Bunmi,
Agnes and I have been friends for ages. We grew up in the same neighbourhood and she tells me about her boyfriends, some of whom have been nasty to her. I always give her some advice but she doesn’t know I’m in love with her. A few weeks ago, she came to my flat after being let down by her latest boyfriend. I consoled her the best I could. One thing led to the other and we found ourselves in my bedroom. The sex was all I dreamt of, and more.

The next day, she was her chatty self again. She said we were better off forgetting what happened the previous night as she wouldn’t want us to spoil the friendship we had. Well, I don’t want to forget about it – I love her and want to be with her. Should I let her know this?
Ephraim
By E-mail

Dear Ephraim,
It’s always difficult making the transition from friends to lovers. It’s obvious that the thought hadn’t crossed your friend’s mind that you’re anything more than a mate before you had sex. That’s why she believed your rump was nothing more than a drunken mistake.

Why don’t you tell her how you really feel about her? She might not return your feelings but there is always a chance that she’ll realize she feels the same about you. Being honest doesn’t necessarily have to stop the friendship you shared, so what have you got to lose?!

What exactly is adultery?

Dear Bunmi,
Is it adultery if a married man goes out once a week with a woman who is also married? My husband swears no love-making is involved and that he and his secretary are just ‘good friends’. He says adultery means sex between a married person and a single person. What is your own definition?
Moni,
By E-mail

Dear Moni,
Adultery is a sexual relationship between a married person and any other person who is not his or her spouse. You need to put a stop to your husband’s ‘sexless’ dates. If his secretary’s husband finds out, he is not likely to discuss definitions.

Alternatively, why don’t you ask him if it would be alright with him for you to go on ‘sexless’ dates with your male colleagues once in a while. That should give you an idea of how limited his definition of adultery is.

He hates me wearing sexy clothes

Dear Bunmi,
I love my boyfriend to bits but he hates me wearing clothes that show off my body. There was this particular hot day that I met up with him wearing a comfortable denim shorts and a halter top. He hit the roof and said I looked like I was giving men the come-on. That now we’re together, I should dress more conservatively.

Well, is he for real? We even argue about what I wear when we go to clubs whilst other girls wear even more revealing clothes. What’s his problems?
Moni,
By E-mail

Dear Moni,
It’s obvious that your boyfriend is insecure and worried that if you look too sexy other men will steal you away from him. You need to give him a lot of reassurance that he is the only one for you. But make it clear you dress to please yourself, just as you encourage him to wear what he feels comfortable in.

She still undresses  in the dark

Dear Bunmi,
My wife and I have been married for 16 years and she still undresses at night with the lights off! I’ve mentioned this casually over the years, but she becomes upset and calls me a sex maniac, so I’ve dropped the subject. We are happy together. Our sex life is fine and we have four wonderful children. But if you can tell me why my wife behaves this way, I will find it easier to understand.
Ebenezer
By E-mail

Dear Ebenezer,
A woman who believes she must hide from her husband while undressing has some warped ideas about sex which were undoubtedly instilled in her while she was a child. In an effort to teach their children modesty, parents sometimes give the impression that there is something evil about the naked body. Such children then grow up inhibited and ashamed. They feel they must hide that which is evil, and darkness is best for hiding.

Your wife’s behavior is a bit odd and, since you’ve condoned it all those years, it might be too late to change her. If her behaviour seems normal to her and does not make her unhappy let her be. As long as she doesn’t pass her phobia on to the children.


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