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Physical Attributes or Content of Character?

With Jerome Yaovi Codjo-Onipede
ot too long ago, one of my  male clients requested for a lady with very big buttocks. He is a manager in one of the banks in Nigeria and in his thirties. He had said he wanted to get married but will not do so until he finds a lady with that kind of physical attribute.

I knew he had a problem, but it’s one thing for you to know someone has a problem and another for the person with the problem to know he has one. Is it wrong for a man to prefer a lady with big buttocks? No. However, when a man wants the buttocks more than the lady that carries it, something is wrong and such a man has a psychological problem that can be treated if he seeks help.

Back to my client; I obliged him and introduced him to three ladies who prided themselves as having assets in the area of physical attributes. And, yes, I guess your guess was right! He did not find any of them suitable. Yet, that was not what amazed me the most.

Whenever he spoke to them on the phone, he asked how they looked and laid emphasis on their buttocks; to the extent that these ladies knew that this guy had a problem.

To confirm their opinion of him, when each one agreed to meet him, he couldn’t help bus stare at their buttocks. When he decides that what they possessed was not as big as he wants, he dismissed then with stories like: “Oh my God, I have to move into a business meeting right now.

I will call you as soon as I am done so we can do lunch or dinner together.” or “Oh my God, my mother just called me and I have to be with her right now. I hope the taxi that brought you is still waiting so you can just go back with it. I will come and look for you as soon as I leave my mother’s place.”

Well, he never called any of them, neither did he ever find time to look for them. And, when any of them made a mistake of calling him, he never picked their calls. Now, that is a man with a problem with lust; not a man that has genuine need. As I write this, he has gone in search of west-coast girls with big buttocks  either with his own money or with people’s money entrusted to his care.

People contact me through phone calls, text messages or e-mails. When they do, I am usually careful enough to find out what they really want, because not everyone can express themselves.

I have come to realise that because of one form of abuse or the other that majority of people have faced while growing up, so many legitimate needs have been turned to lust. Needs can be met but lusts can never be satisfied. The more we try to satisfy our lusts, the emptier we become.

For better understanding of this article, I will define need as: ‘a state that requires supply and relief’ while lust is ‘intense longings for things’.

When people approach me, I try to carefully decode what they are asking for i.e. if they want a need met or a lust satisfied. I have to emphasise here again that while a need can be met, lust can never be satisfied.

God has created us with needs so we can have them met by Him. Everyone has legitimate needs for shelter, food, love, discipline, education, family etc. No one, for example, has a legitimate need for sex.

Now, just relax and follow me. I may have a need for romantic love which grows into my desire to share the rest of my life with someone I consider special to me, sealed by wedlock with witnesses in attendance  where  I responsibly declare my everlasting and committed love to him or her. Sex becomes one of the benefits that makes our union pleasurable; encouraging lasting, physical desire for each other.

But those who have sex as a need on its own add a lot of sorrows to their lives, because the more they have it, the emptier they become.

That’s why they end up having it with as many people as possible; because, the emptier they become, the more they believe they need to refill. Unknown to them, sex on its own is not a legitimate need for man. But do we need sex? Yes. And, within context.

Why do we then, sometimes, desire sex over friendship, companionship, love etc? Because, need can turn into lust when abuse has taken place in our lives. Abuse, whichever form it may take  sexual, physical, emotional, verbal, neglect etc. brings pain and everyone who experiences pain also wants relief from pain.

But, not everyone knows that sometimes, it takes pain to get relief from pain. So, people turn to whatever they consider pleasurable to the senses and, most times, it never serves the purpose of bringing relief.

That is why a lot of people, today, indulge in one form of addiction or the other. They are all trying to run away from one pain or the other. Some indulge in alcohol or tobacco and others in pornography, masturbation, multiple sex partners, and yet others go into co-dependent relationships, fame, power etc.

At this point, when they live for nothing but to escape from pain from the past, their legitimate needs could turn into lusts. A need for shelter could be reduced to acquiring properties all over the place. A need for food could be reduced to having anything that titillates our fancy and is sweet to the taste, not caring whether it is healthy or not.

A need for love could be reduced to just having sex with someone and not caring to spend time to know them enough or having respect for friendship or companionship. A need for education could be turned into just acquiring certificates, bagging awards, and not caring whether we have enough experience to educate others and add value to their lives.

The bottom-line is that needs are reduced to lusts and lust can never be satisfied. So do you think you have this kind of problem? Do you think you are not married or having problems in marriage today because your picture for a partner was born out of lust and not legitimate need? Let’s do something about it. Let’s talk.


Disclaimer

Comments expressed here do not reflect the opinions of vanguard newspapers or any employee thereof.