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When you want fun, attached men are right for the picking

By Candida
Most of the response I’ve got on this column gave a lot of kudos to Ini -my spunky happy-go-lucky friend. A lot of male readers would love to meet her and half of the women asked the same question her friends have always asked her! How does she get away with it?

As well as I thought I knew my bosom friend, I was mildy shaken when she gave me the low-down on what makes her tick. “Right from the time I started dating men, I’ve been with those who were already attached,” Ini confessed.

She continued: “Fooling around with men who are supposed to be ‘spoken for’ is much more intense than hooking up with available men. I discovered early that just because a man has a girlfriend in no way means that he isn’t up for having a good time with me as well. I was just 14 years old when I first fooled around with a neighbor who just got married.

I was gobsmacked when he gave me the largest cash I’d ever clamped eyes on in my life! The fooling around went on for months until my mum found out and beat the living daylights out of me. During my senior years in secondary school, I was a member of my school’s netball team. A friend of mine, also a member of the team, was dating the goalkeeper of a popular school. When a classmate saw me flirting with Chuks, the goalkeeper, she told me slyly that it was too bad I fancied him because he was already dating a team-mate.

That seemed ridiculous to me as I didn’t meet Chuks through her. So, I made a point to hang out with him more arid the experience was worth it and my conscience was clear – I wasn’t forcing him to cheat, all I was doing was encouraging him!

‘After I left secondary school, I knew attached men were always ripe for the picking and I pursued them intentionally. The thing is, I don’t seduce these men by giving off a distinct come-hither vibe or wear skimpy clothes. Men can spot those kind of moves from a mile away and actually prefer the friendly type.

Because I’m quite tall (5 feet 8 inches) with a good body and a great smile, I’m more of a female buddy than a vixen! I’d been described as spontaneous, easy going and totally into having fun- the opposite of a clingy, possessive girlfriend. When I’m with a guy, I give to him 150 percent of my attention, but not in a choking way, I hold his gaze, I laugh at his joke, no matter how ridiculous it is and I ask him questions about himself. Sometimes, that self-confidence and interest is all it takes to tempt him.

“A lot of men I’ve been intimate with say they prefer it when a girl is not so clingy. There’re also reasons for a man’s wandering eyes. For example, if he’s scared of losing his independence, having a fling lets him re-establish himself as someone who can do or get whatever she wants. One man I ended up having an affair with when I started work was already living with his ‘fiancé’. He had a good sense of humour and it was inevitable that we started accidentally touching each other and everything we said seemed to have an underlying sexual innuendo.

We finally got together the day we went to a mutual friend’s party without our partners. He took me home and that was it.

“Unfortunately, he was the one who became clingy, following me all over the place at work and, because we had sex a couple of times in the office, he wanted more. When I threw him over for another married colleague, he was livid and actually had a shouting match with him! Very embarrassing, if you ask me, I had to let the two of them go by changing jobs.

Needless to say, I’ve sometimes wound up hurting people in a way I regret. My university friend, Bola, and I were on summer holiday together when she fell in love with Yode, a man that sat next to her on the plane coming back home. I was genuinely happy for her – I had been seeing someone myself and it was Yode, the attraction was electric.

We had so much in common- same outgoing personally, same dirty sense of humour – that I couldn’t help thinking we’d be better fit!

A few months later, I ran into him at a party and he confessed I was the one he really fancied. But, I had my nose in the air the first time he saw me that he thought I would rebuff him. The ribbing started in earnest and, before we knew it, we were snoggling like we were on fire! It was inevitable that one of our well-meaning friends told Bola when she saw us together. Of course, I denied everything when she asked me.

In the end, Yode broke off with her to continue our relationship. My boyfriend was so bitter he spread nasty stories about me to Bola.

“That unfortunately, was the end of our friendship. The affair with Yode lasted for months, after which I went back to my old ways… I count myself lucky that I get away with murder form time to time. But, I do love flirting; it’s like a drug to me!”


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