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Is he too ‘old’ for sex?

By Bunmi Sofola

Dear Bunmi,
My husband and I are both in our fifties and our sex life seems to have died a natural death. Other than this, we’re really comfortable with each other. I’ve tried talking to him about it and have asked if he’s no longer interested in me that way or if he has someone else he’s making love to. But he always reassures me that he loves me very much.

In spite of his assurance, no matter what I say, nothing seems to work and I’m getting increasingly fed-up. There is nothing physically wrong with him and we have no worries over work or money as the children have finished school. Is there anything I can do to bring our love life back?
Patience,
By E-mail.

Dear Patience,
Contrary to popular belief that it’s the wife who always has a ‘headache’, its often the man who decides to stop having sex in long-term relationships. We just don’t hear about it because no one talks about it. There are many reasons your man could go off sex. You didn’t mention what your sex life was like before but if your husband has never had a particularly high libido, ageing doesn’t help. Levels of testosterone fall and he may be experiencing erection problems (common in your 50s) but be too embarrassed to tell you.

Encourage him to get a full medical, including a check of testosterone level as supplements can make quite a difference. Once he’s been given the all-clear, try a different approach. Don’t wait for him to initiate sex, just do it. Encouraging him to have sex might reignite passion. Also encourage him to tell you what his secret turn-ons are and indulge them if you can.

Domesticity dampers desire for a lot of men and he may need the promise of a spicy, fresh scenario to get his interest (and him) aroused.

If all else fails, why not see an expert together? Lastly, if he’s willing, you can try oral sex to ease him back into penetrative sex.

He was unfaithful, yet he dumped me!

Dear Bunmi,
For the two years we were together, my boyfriend was violent and uncontrolling. I recently found out he has another girl who he also beat up. When I confronted him, he turned aggressive, accused me of being too controlling and called off the relationship as he no longer trusted me. How could he do this to me? I love him so much though he has promised me another chance.
Becky,
By e-mail.

Dear Becky,
Surely, you’re putting me on! Who should be giving who another chance? You make it sound as if you’re in the wrong, and your boyfriend needs to forgive you. But you’re the one who’s been badly treated here. Run as fast as your feet can take you from this violent man and be grateful he’s dumped you.

You need to raise your self-esteem to realize you don’t deserve to be abused like this. If he could show the same violence with another woman, he’s the one with the problem, not you. Get out more and interact with both male and female friends. Sound their opinions on matters of the heart before plunging into another relationship. Violent men seldom change.

How do I have better sex?

Dear Bunmi,
Is my problem unusual? I’m with my second boyfriend and we get on very well but when we make love, I never get really worked up, though he does. Is it my fault or his? Should I end it and find a better lover or do you have pointers on how I could improve my sex life?
Ndidi,
By E-mail.

Dear Ndidi,
It takes two to have mind-blowing sex and both of you need to work at it. According to sexologists, you could transform a tried sex position instantly by adding a pillow This makes any position more ‘do-able’ and comfortable. Also try turning around. Our instinct is to lie with our heads and feet pointing in the same direction, even if we’re not face-to-face. Try moving so you’re head-to-toe.

If you always have sex by night, then do it when you usually don’t – in the morning or in the afternoon on weekends. Try it somewhere new as well. The bathroom, loo, kitchen -try making love anywhere but the bedroom where you normally do it. Lastly, it’s been proved that playing with temperature can be very arousing. To add a thrill to oral sex, suck an ice cube before heading south! To give the opposite thrill, take a swig of hot tea. Good luck!


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