How much can you tell your spouse?(8)
Who is your
confidant? Is it a friend or your spouse? How much of your secrets can you share with your spouse?
Love, they say is about giving and sharing, which can only thrive where there is mutual trust, understanding and effective communication between the partners.
So, who better can you share your secrets with other than the one you claim to love, cherish and share your body with? The one who is supposed to know you inside out.
However, this appears not to be the case with a lot of couples, young and old. In this narratives from some of our respondents, reasons, ranging from traditional to moral grounds were attributed as part of the barriers militating against sharing of secrets between partners.
Beginning from this edition and as our special package for the holidays, you will be reading what these people had to say. If you or someone you know of, have been through a similar experience, or you have an interesting story to share with us on this issue, please write and send your contributions/opinions to The human Angle, Vanguard, P.M.B. 1007, Apapa, Lagos. Or our e-mail address: firstname.lastname@example.org we look forward to reading from you. Cheers!
For Taiwo, (49), business woman, a man will determine how much his wife will tell him:
When I first got married, I worked in the Civil Service. ItÂ was not a stressful job, so I decided to be doing some petty things on the side.
I had some money which I got from a monthly contribution I was doing with some colleagues at the office, and with the assistance of a neighbour who worked at the Ports, I got a deep freezer.
Naturally, I had already informed my husband about the money and my intentions for it, but when I brought home the freezer, he was not happy. He kept quiet all through the night and the next morning, he told me to get rid of the freezer before his return from work.
He accused me of trying to turn him into a fool, demanding to know where I even got the money to engage in monthly contributions when I was always taking money from him for everything. He accused me of saving my own money while I spent his.
It was quite a surprise for me because I never expected such outburst from him. Here is someone that did not know how the children got clothes on their backs or how much they take to school every morning for transportation and feeding.
I was really troubled, but I decided to go and tell his best friend and that evening, he came and spoke with my husband and that was how we overcame that problem. After that, I decided to buy a grinding machine and when I bought it, the same thing happened, he refused to even touch it.
Then, I had to sit him down for a serious discussion. If we were to make it together in this marriage, it has to be with the blessings of each other.
Whatever I have is for the two of us and the children and the same goes for him too. Why did I not quarrel with him when he bought the plot ofÂ land or the other things he does too? Why is it that it is when I do anything significant that there will be trouble in the house?
We settled the matter between us and since then, everything has been alright. In fact, when he wants to do anything now, he will ask me if I have some money to add to the project.
I will conclude that everything depends on the relationship between the man andÂ his wife. Where there is love and the two have decided that they will be there for each other, come rain come shine, then there is absolutely no need to keep secrets.
There is a Yoruba adage that says that you cannot hide your nakedness from the person that will bath your body after your demise. So, whenever you remember that neither of you is complete without the other, then, youâ€™ll know there is no point keeping secrets. Itâ€™s like running from your own shadow. Doing that can only mean that you have some hidden agenda. And that is dangerous for any relationship.
Anyway, I am talking about a situation where it is just the husband and his wife, not a polygamous situation, that one is very, very different oh!
Shola (43), an Interior Decorator and Transport owner, believes that speaking to a cracked wall is better than telling a woman oneâ€™s secret:
Women by their nature cannot be trusted to keep secrets. Many women have brought condemnation,Â damnation or doom to their homes because of their mouths.
Most women do not know the difference between what should be heard out side and what should not. A lot of women have done much harm to their husbands just by the words of their mouths. If a man knows that he can not keep a secret to himself, it is better for him to go and tell it to a cracked wall, that way, he would have said it and there will be nobody to repeat it.
Women cannot keep secrets. In fact, letâ€™s look at it from the simple case of two female friends. You will see that when they have any misunderstanding, all the little secrets theyâ€™d shared with each other will come to the open one way or the other, just to bring each other down, ridicule the other person or just score a silly point.
There was a serious case between two female friends andÂ their husbands about two or three years ago in my neighbourhood. This matter ended in the women sacrificing two children and finally their homes, to show you how serious it was.
The two women were very close friends and shared every possible secrets. They bought clothes together and were even in the same club in church. Nobody knew that they also engaged in extra marital affairs together.
You see, God is very patient. Unknown to the other, one of them had been eyeing her friendâ€™s husband and had actually made passes at him. The husband turned her down repeatedly on the ground that he loved and trusted his wife and that he could not even think of doing such a thing with her because of her relationship with his wife.
Scorned, the devil went to work inside this woman and before long, she was telling her friendâ€™s husband all that she shared with his wife. To prove that his wife was not really the virtuous woman he thought her to be, she gave him the address and time he could catch his wife with one of her lovers, and truly, everything went just as sheâ€™d said.