By Jerome Yaovi Ccdjo-Onipede
Marriage may be made in heaven, but its maintenance must be done on earth. God has given us the commission of maintaining our marriages. Marriages fail, not because there is something wrong with the institution itself or with the sacrament of matrimony, but because a lot has gone wrong with the people to which this privilege has been given.
We live in an age when truth is no longer in vogue. Everyone you meet today seems to be living one lie or the other. Therefore you say, â€œWell everyone is doing itâ€ (telling lies) and justify yours!Â Even if you donâ€™t believe people around you are telling lies, the liar encourages others to lie as well. Remember, the evil doer always looks for people who will commit evil with him or her. No one takes delight in committing evil alone.
For instance, she tells you, â€œWhere did you tell him you were? Oh my God! You are a mugun! You should have told him you were with me last night and then call me to say in case your husband calls, I should tell him you were with me. You can be sure that by the time I finish with him, he will come back and apologise to you. Trust me now, what are friends for?â€
Well, truly madam, I am sorry for you because, if that is what you call a friend and you have come to believe that the reason why we make friends is so that they can cover up our unrighteous tracks, then you can as well be on your way to doom. Itâ€™s as simple as â€œshow me your friend and I will tell you who you are.â€
We take delight in telling lies and have to live with the consequences. Look around you and you will realise that our marriages are failing; marriages are not only failing, they are failing fast – when our marriages get to the point of lasting only two years.
I remember that I started to shout about it, warning people long time ago. I was on radio, television and even wrote about it in the papers. But if I have to check my success rate now, I am sure I have not done a good job so far, because marriages now last four months!
How do I know this? Because I am the counselor people come to when they have just separated from their spouse; to see if there is still hope of salvaging this beautiful institution which is good for all honourable for all who still choose to take delight in it.
Why do I think our marriages are failing so fast? Well, if you were with me all these while, you would have realised that it is because we have turned to liars and the truth is no longer in us. I repeat, the problem is not with the institution of marriage or with the sacrament of matrimony, but with us human beings that get involved in it. In effect, it is not marriage that is failing, but the people that are getting into it.
Whatâ€™s the problem with people then? Well, thatâ€™s the big question with a big answer. Every man or woman you meet prefers to hide who he or she really is because they think â€œif you know who I am, you may not like me.
Hey! Did you just say, â€œWell, I am not like that. I donâ€™t care what people think about me, and anyone who doesnâ€™t like me as I am can go and jump into the lake?â€ Well, that shows that you have so much to hide too, otherwise you wonâ€™t have come to the point where you donâ€™t care about what people think about you.
Not caring what people think about you is just some way of dousing the pain of rejection. So, you see, you are not exempt. Having made that clear, letâ€™s make some progress.
Next time you meet someone that engages you in a conversation, watch out for this: itâ€™s either the person wants to let you know where he graduated from or what he thinks he has that the world needs; or who he knows or what he owns and all that.
So, itâ€™s usually about where you have been, what you have, who you know and what you have achieved. Now, donâ€™t get me wrong. I am interested in all that, but I have come to realise that you are not telling me that for me to know you but because you have a part of you that you want me to get interested in so you leave out the areas of your life that you donâ€™t want me to know anything about.
Therefore, you reveal the designer version of you and leave out what you consider the undesirable part of yourself. Okay, all well and good. I hope as you get more comfortable with me, you will let me into other areas and parts of your life too.
But chances are you wonâ€™t go there, because that part of your life is a NO GO AREA even for you!
I can understand if you have already sought counsel and dealt with it, but the problem I have with you is that you have just covered it up, hoping it will go away. You must be joking. That part of your life that you have left yet not dealt with and covered up all this while is what is dealing with you now, and turning you into A BIG LIAR that canâ€™t keep a relationship because every relationship requires truth. No relationship built on lies can ever work and thatâ€™s why most of our relationships donâ€™t last today; and our marriages are failing.
My office has two stair cases, one in front and the other at the back. We use the one in front all the time and so we ensure that we keep it neat, make it smell so nice and all that so we can create an impression. But, if there is an emergency that requires one to use the back door, you might be shocked at what you see on your way out. The back stair case is an apology to the letter; does not smell good at all. You will find generators and oil spilled all over.
It is quite dusty which tells you that if you donâ€™t slip and fall down from the oil spilled all over, you will definitely get your clothes stained from the dust and may need to require to cover your nose from the stench that comes from there.
Same office space? Yep, but donâ€™t worry, we have everything under control! We do our best to make sure you donâ€™t go anywhere near there. That is exactly what happens in relationships; we only allow you to take in and take out that part of our lives that we want to use in impressing you, but never allow you to find out about those areas of our lives that are terrible until later. And, thatâ€™s because you stayed long enough with us.
That is why that man never really laid his hands on you before you married him, then he started beating you up later. That is why you also didnâ€™t know your wife lies a lot, and you always have to confirm if what she is saying is true for your own safety because, she had seemed to tell you the truth when you first met her and the litany of THE IMPOSTER SYNDROME never ends.
Now, whatâ€™s the bottom-line? Relationship and Marriage is not problematic; we are the ones that have become complex despite the fact that God made us as simple as possible. We need to CHANGE for our Relationships and Marriages to work.
I am not just talking and writing. I am doing so much to provide help for as many as take the first step away from lies, by admitting that something is wrong somewhere and instead of blaming your spouse or friend, you go seek help yourself.
I am sure that this Valentine Day which falls on a Sunday will be the best you have ever had. Your Valentine this year can start from Friday, 12th to Sunday, 14th February if you wish. Look inwards and address yourself in truth.
For details call 08037194335/ 08053537663 or just hook up with me on www.facebook.com/jeromeistalking.
You may also reach Jerome for Counseling on Marriage, Relationship and Career on the same Numbers