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Desperate Women

By Jerome Yaovi Codjo-Onipede.

I am James, a 40-year old man residing in Abuja. I am separated. Please, how may I meet a lady who is, preferably, 40 years and above; who must be financially buoyant. I don’t mind where she may hail from. Please, I will appreciate it if you can link me up.

Dear James,

I am sure that there are a lot of women out there who may oblige you because, sometime ago in Abuja, while I was preparing for a speed dating event where singles get a chance to mingle in an exclusive and non-threatening environment, I had an experience of a lifetime.

The event is usually run once monthly in Abuja, Lagos and Accra respectively for a group of mature singles and those in-between marriages, who meet themselves for the very first time to  interact, dance, eat and find out if they will like to meet again on their own. Just before the event, I was invited to a birthday party organised by one of the ladies on my personal match making list. Shock is an under-statement in describing what I encountered that evening.

To start with, the party didn’t lack audience as people kept coming in from all over the city. There was also ample time to provide every manner of so-called fun.
It didn’t take long before I realised why a lot of the women in attendance were not married.  Most of them had become so desperate for the opposite gender, called man, that they threw discretion to the wind, surrounding themselves with the wrong category of men!
Most of the men who attended the party were married and didn’t come with their wives. They also indulged in heavy drinking, smoking etc. you could tell from their body language, as they were introduced to the ladies, that they had regard for the ladies in just one area. The men’s eyes seemed to say:  “Amazing! This will be a good party with lots of babes around to enjoy!” It was obvious that they did not see much difference between the ladies and their alcohol, cigarettes etc.

There was a lot of desperation in the air and, believe me, if those men hadn’t attended the party, these women would have gone on rampage shouting: “We want men! We want men!” As it turned out, the men didn’t have much chasing to do because, the women made it clear from the very beginning that they were available with their smiles and over-approachable gestures.

I realised immediately that this was a problem since most of the ladies who were at this party were also expected to be at my next speed dating event. The first thing I did was to postpone the event have them attend a date coaching class instead so that they can truly understand that the true worth of a woman is based on her self esteem, dignity and carriage.  A woman of real worth must know her place, her price, her dignity and her crown.

I needed them to understand that a woman has a place; therefore, any man that really needs her would have to leave his place, go over to her to convince her of his love and gradually bring her back to his own place. A woman must also realise that she has a price that a man will gladly want to pay for with all his resources. She should also have dignity so that a man will respect her for the rest of his life. She also has  her crown which can turn any man into royalty because of the secrets of men’s success that God has put in her.

Irrespective of her age – 30, 40, 50, 60 etc. – a woman could still be chased by a man; in fact, a right man if she knows how to always repackage and brand herself – depending on the season of her life. She can be happily married after she’s 30+ and must stop believing that all the good men have been taken; which is one of the reasons a lot of single women are going for married men today.
I know that there are credible men who are still single or single-again through divorce or death of a former spouse and really want to marry again if they find the right woman.

I also know that a woman could get desperate for a lot of reasons amongst which are: pressure from family members, societal values that tend to have more respect for married women than single women, the thought of not being able to have children after a certain season of her life, the need for a companion etc. But, she doesn’t have an excuse to stay desperate because, desperation isn’t going to get her a husband. Maybe, she will end up with an apology that looks like a man and, believe me, there are a lot of apologies out there that look like men!

All you have to do is spend some time with them and you will realise that these men are going nowhere and also want to take as many desperate women as possible nowhere with them. It’s one thing for a man to put in so much effort at accomplishing sometvhing while he waits for a break through and another thing to have a lazy man around, doing nothing more than just loafing around.

A lot of families out there are hoping that their daughter, sister or niece will just get a divorce or become widowed as soon as possible because of the kind of lazy man she is married to. You need to see some women before they got married and see how terrible they look after years of marriage and you will wonder if marriage is a curse.

I believe marriage can be a beautiful experience but you can’t have that beautiful experience if you are married to someone who seems to be cursed. No matter how desperate women may be to marry, I believe that any match maker who introduces a woman to a jobless man is doing her more harm than good. In my organization, our philosophy is simple: if our clients can’t wait until we find credible men for them, they can migrate to other agencies. We only hope that those agencies will not provide men who are nothing but projects.

A desperate woman needs to learn how to move from being desperate to being focused. Marriage is good and should be desired and I encourage a lot of people to do so. But, I also believe some women should take a relationship fast for the time being, because as long as we keep encouraging women to manage the quality of men we have out there today, it will be impossible for us to deal with the fact that we men really have problems today that must be confronted.

These days, a lot of men do not work. They believe that if they get married to a wealthy lady, they may just sit back and enjoy the rest of their lives, doing nothing but spending her money on ladies of easy virtue. So now, it seems it is more about the money and not about love.

Do you know that in a lot of families, today, it is actually the wives that are taking care of the family financially; which is why it is not difficult for you, James, to ask for a lady that is financially buoyant, 40 years and above, and from anywhere. I guess, for you a woman has become a thing to be used to move to the next level, like it is for a lot of men out there today.

I am amazed that a lot of us, men, don’t even know that when a woman becomes 37 years and above, the last thing she wants to do now is cook or do for any man. What she really wants is to be loved, pampered, given all the attention, affection and what have you. She may be very rich at that point but it is also the time she may become very prudent with her spending and who she spends on. She has done all that while she was younger and now needs someone who will spend on her too, despite all she may have.

It is not surprising then that most ladies, today, are dating guys that are 6 to 13 years younger than they. It may be ridiculous but not for those who indulge in it – because, it seems to meet certain needs in their lives. As a personal counsellor, I know the dangers this so-called remedy poses but that is what happens when we try to find solutions to our predicaments without dealing with the original problem from the root.

My dear James, instead of looking for a woman to befriend for money; take some pride, go back and join your old boys’ association and see how you may get help from them so that when you meet your next love, you will be her pride and not her shame. Who knows if the reason why your first wife left you was because you were not doing well financially? She just may come back and both of you may live happily ever after.

•For counselling appointments on relationships, marriage and career, call me or send me a text on +234-8037194335, +234-8053537663. You may also add me as friend on FACEBOOK as Jerome Yaovi Codjo-Onipede.


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Comments expressed here do not reflect the opinions of vanguard newspapers or any employee thereof.