Who is your
confidant? Is it a friend or your spouse? How much of your secrets can you share with your spouse?
Love, they say is about giving and sharing, which can only thrive where there is mutual trust, understanding and effective communication between the partners. So, who better can you share your secrets with other than the one you claim to love, cherish and share your body with? The one who is supposed to know you inside out.
However, this appears not to be the case with a lot of couples, young and old. In this narratives from some of our respondents, reasons, ranging from traditional to moral grounds were attributed as part of the barriers militating against sharing of secrets between partners. Beginning from this edition and as our special package for the holidays, you will be reading what these people had to say.
If you or someone you know of, have been through a similar experience, or you have an interesting story to share with us on this issue, please write and send your contributions/opinions to The human Angle, Vanguard, P.M.B. 1007, Apapa, Lagos. Or our e-mail address: firstname.lastname@example.org we look forward to reading from you. Cheers!
Tai, (42), Civil Servant, says itâ€™s not possible not to have secrets. He concludes his contribution below:
Then, my extended family matters. There is a limit to what I can tell her, at least on certain issues that concerns the extended family which everyone must treasure as strictly family secrets.
Again, there is a great limit to what I can tell my wife about my friends, especially secrets kept with me in confidence. You know women are very funny when they have such secrets in their possession. They will naturally judge and evaluate such friends by such reports. They can even show it in their treatment and behaviours towards the person concerned.
Once your wife knows that you have say N10.000 somewhere, she will make sure that, at least, 75 percent of the money comes to her in form of petty demands and expenditures which you as the man will find difficult to ignore and before you know it, you are ripped open financially.
My principle has always been â€œdeclare two thirdsâ€ of my cash or assets and this has been the underlining factor for all my programmes. And if I were to put it into a mathematical calculation, I can tell my partner only 65 percent about myself, the remaining 35 percent is always in store for me as the â€œshock absorberâ€ that any man and all true men require always.
Sunmbo, (64), retired Civil Servant, takes the floor today as she takes us through her views which she has garnished with true life experiences to buttress her points. Her argument, based on sexual attitude is so revealing and educative:
There are several things a husband and wife cannot and must not say to each other. A lot of women have made these mistakes while the going was good, only to regret doing so later on.
A woman must not say that because she is in love and wants to be true to her husband, then start to run her mouth anyhow. A lot of men are just balls, that is the way they were created by God. They are only strong and proud, not a lot of them have the guts to stomach emotional issues like women, especially when it comes to sexual matters.
This area is very important because it is the binding rope between a man and a woman. A woman can commit all sorts of atrocities outside her home and she will still be pardoned, but when it comes to infidelity, it is not an area men joke with at all, even when the man is not good at it, cannot even do it at all, or is not living up to his financial obligations, he will still be fighting over this thing. So, issues concerning sex are not things a woman can joke with and discuss anyhow.
For instance, a woman must not go on discussing her past lovers with her husband. This is like rubbing salt into injury as she will only end up hurting his pride. A man loves to believe even though he knows it is not true, that he is the only man who knows his wife in and out. She must also not introduce past lovers to him. Meeting other people who also knows what he does can only bring about jealousy and unwanted suspicion.
Where they meet, it must not be at her own instance or initiative. In most cases, this has also backfired in the sense that the man starts misbehaving and recalling all that heâ€™d been told.
Men by their nature are more jealous and less tolerant than women, that is why a man can have more than one wife and the women will not flip over themselves. It is impossible for you to see a woman married to more than one husband. If she is, it will be a secret. The day the others know, they may just kill her or kill each other.
A man is even allowed to talk about this sort of thing, but a woman canâ€™t because nobody will understand why she has done so. If a husband and wife should catch each other red handed in a hotel, both with different partners, it is the wife that will loose her face, she is the one that can not return home without having people come and plead on her behalf, and that too depends on if the husband agrees or not.
Virginity is a thing a woman can not discuss with her husband. In our own days, virginity was still accorded much respect and a woman who still has herâ€™s was the pride of her husband. But all the same it did not really matter where the woman is not with it.
Where this happens, it is not her right to start discussing it with her husband, because naturally when he gets there, he will find out by himself, she must not start making an issue of it by discussing the circumstances by which she lost it or whom she lost it to, or by being sorry and weepy about it. If they are chanced to meet the man, she must also not introduce him as the man, all these are only bound to cause trouble.
A woman must not also discuss with her husband if she was rapped, this is a very sensitive issue that has broken so many vows. If it happens and the man was not around, there is no point in creating fresh wounds that are not likely to heal, so she must not tell her husband for the sake of being open with him. I can assure you that before she knows it, the man is walking out of her life. A few years ago in my church, it happened to a young couple when armed men visited their home.
The men had threatened to kill the husband if the woman did not succumb to their wish. The woman agreed, and after the whole thing, when her husband ought to be grateful to her for saving his life, he started threatening her with all sort of things.