By Bunmi Sofola
You recently advised a 20-year-old man that when heâ€™s with a woman he cares for, he shouldnâ€™t hesitate if they both wanted to know each other sexually; that making love was the most natural thing in the world. I agree with you that it is – with love and commitment in marriage.
I feel sad that these days sex is regarded so lightly and, as a result, very few relationships or marriages last; young girls get pregnant, and teenagers who are not matured face problems. When I was younger, I was in love with many boys. If I had indulged in sex with all of them, I would have regretted it by the time I met my husband. He and I were friends first, and our love developed slowly.
We knew a lot about each other before we got married and only then did we embark on our desires and then to fulfill them in the security of marriage was the most wonderful, lasting and satisfying experience. Consequently, our marriage lasted 40 years and our love and respect for each other was deep. Sadly, Iâ€™m now a widow.
I pray that the sanctity of love and sex could return. Instead, sex seems to have become cheap and tawdry. I respect your view. But please tell young people to hesitate before having sex. Casual sex is a disaster.
I respect your view too. Thank you for sharing your beautiful experience of sex and marriage. There are no rules of sexual behavior by which we may all live happily. Sex within or outside marriage, or a committed relationship can be ugly or beautiful. We need to respect our instincts. Men and women who have sexual experiences before meeting their partner for life do not in any way diminish their great joy when theyeventually find one another.
Itâ€™s been proved that resisting our desire to have sex with someone we love does not improve our chances of building a strong relationship. Rather, it reflects our natural fear of sex and what was drummed into us as children that sex is somewhat shameful. By encouraging people to think of sex as taboo, we increase, not decrease the probability of guilt, disease or unwanted pregnancy.
Intimacy is the core of lasting love and companionship. By having sex, as you and your husband discovered, we reveal ourselves more completely. I thank you once again for sharing the joy you found during your marriage. Your story should be an inspiration to us all.
He blames me for his infection
Words got to me that my boyfriend was having an affair with the receptionist in his office but I kept quiet about it. I didnâ€™t want to reveal my source of information who is well known to my man. Now he has some sores on his penis and heâ€™s accusing me of cheating! Iâ€™m furious but too cautious to speak up. Should I speak up and break up the friendship between my man and my informant?
You have to speak up. Your partner is probably unfaithful and is shifting the blame on you to divert attention from himself. The only way forward is to challenge him, get it out in the open, and see if you can rebuild your relationship. Final point: you have to get a check-up at a health centre near you or your doctorâ€™s to make sure he hasnâ€™t passed these little sores on you.
I was hasty to let her go
My girlfriend and I split up two years ago. We lived together before we did, only we were always arguing. It never was that way when we lived apart. Our arguments had to do with who did what and who spent that.
However, in the time weâ€™ve been apart, Iâ€™ve really missed her. Iâ€™ve tried to get back on my feet by starting new relationships, but havenâ€™t met anyone I really like. Now I think I might have been too hasty by letting her go. Do you think I should ask her to let us try again?
When a relationship ends, it is always for a reason. With you and your ex, it was because you had different ideas on how to share out chores and how to spend money. You obviously had a basic incompatibility problem in the way you approach life. Now, two years later, what has changed? Have you altered your views on how things should
be done? And do you think sheâ€™s altered hers? Most importantly, is she free to come back to you?
If you get back together and one of you hasnâ€™t changed, youâ€™ll hit the same problems all over again. Why not put the past firmly behind you and move on to someone new – and better?
We want to make love but we’re virgins
Iâ€™ve been with my boyfriend for close to a year now and we feel ready to sleep together. Weâ€™re both undergraduates of the same university and it is the first time for both of us. I love him so much and he feels the same about me. We would therefore love to cement our relationship by making love.
Is there anything I can do on the day we give it a go, to lead up to the act itself and make it really special?
It might sound contradictory but if you want your first time together to be memorable, donâ€™t build it up too much. The more you do this, the more it is likely to go wrong. Trying to make sex perfect will mean you will both be nervous – then he may struggle to get an erection, or you find it hard to relax. So keep things low-key. Stay indoors. Have some light but delicious food and a little wine maybe. Cuddle, snuggle and take things slowly. And donâ€™t expect to orgasm! It takes time and some practice to get it right!
He’s not hot in bed
When I met my current boyfriend, I salivated on the type of sex we would have. Heâ€™s quite my type -tall, handsome, successful and sophisticated. So, you can imagine how disappointed I was to discover he was quite boring in bed! It would be lots more fun if the heat could be turned on a bit, but his height of excitement is the missionary position with the lights on! How can I make him perform better; or do you think heâ€™s a hopeless case?
Since, according to you, you are compatible in most ways, whatever it is thatâ€™s going on in the bedroom doesnâ€™t have to be a passion-killer problem. What to do? Your man could be nervous. He feels he might not be able to cope with sexual experimentation. On the other hand he might not want to shock you with what he could do! So start with something he doesnâ€™t find threatening – and be gentle and reassuring. Show him what you want him to do, and let him see just how happy you are when he does. He can be your perfect man in bed and out-if you play your cards right.
I feel guilty for breaking his heart
For close to a year, I was in an unhappy relationship. I was then living with my boyfriend and we both shared expenses as we had good jobs. Then we joined this wonderful social club and I fell in love with a man in our group. My boyfriend found out and I had to move out of the flat.
I knew he was heart broken and I felt guilty. I now heard he has voluntarily asked to be transferred to another state and will be moving away soon. I feel so responsible for turning his life upside down. What do you think I can do to ease his pain?
Iâ€™m not sure thereâ€™s anything you can do. The bottom line is you made a decision to end your relationship and go off with someone else. It is sad, but it is what you had to do to survive. Now your ex has made a decision to move away.
Thatâ€™s sad too, but itâ€™s what he has to do to survive. Heâ€™s taking action to pick himself up and start a new life. The best way you can support him is to let him handle things his own way. Donâ€™t consider going back to him. It wouldnâ€™t work and you know it. Youâ€™re no longer his partner and youâ€™re not responsible for him, so donâ€™t waver.