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Should I tell Mum ?

Dear Bunmi,
EARLY last year, a young couple moved into the house next door and the wife  became a regular visitor as mum treated her like a younger sister. With time her husband became more familiar and he told us he was pleased we were close by as he worked away at an oil rig often. She had an infant when she moved into our street and whenever she is afraid, my mum always invites her to stay in the guest room when the husband is away.

She’s now pregnant with her second child. We’ve had a series of break-ins in our neighborhood and when next her husband was away, my mum insisted she stay in the guest room. It was quite a shock to me when I went to the toilet on one of her over-night stays and saw dad sneaking out of her room! He didn’t see me as he was in such a hurry to go back to mum.

I felt really disgusted. I gave him the benefit of the doubt but I’ve caught him a couple of times after that.
Humping another man’s wife is bad enough, but doing it when she’s pregnant and in your matrimonial home is almost sacrilegious. I have a good mind of telling my mum but don’t want to hurt her. Should I confront dad?
Julius
By E-mail

Dear Julius,
It is sad when adults behave in a way that could jeopardise the cossy family lives they have spent years building. Your dad might think the chances of his being caught would be considerably narrowed if his infidelity occurred under his own roof and with his wife in the house! He obviously didn’t reckon with your happening on his secret; and what you want to do is talk to him man to man.

Like you rightly pointed out, your mum is the innocent party here and should be spared unnecessary  grief. Threaten to tell your mum if your father refused to stop. I’m sure he wouldn’t allow things to go that far!

He’s made me his prisoner
Dear Bunmi,
I LEFT the village to come and live with my uncle in Abuja. Unfortunately, he lost his job and since I was already employed by a private nursery school, I decided to move in with my boyfriend who is a personal assistant to the proprietress.

At first, he was really nice and I slowly started getting my life back together, buying things for the house and for myself. Almost overnight, he changed. He locks me in all the time as soon as I return from work. He wouldn’t let me go out with him and always times me when I go to the market. Whenever he thinks I’ve taken too much time, he’ll beat me up. He doesn’t drink, and he’s not on drugs but his eyes are always wild and scarry when he’s angry.
Why is he this way?
Blessing,
By E-mail.

Dear Blessing,
I have no idea why your boyfriend is suddenly behaving in this way. It might be that he’s mentally ill, or that he has a violent personality. He’ll probably try to assure you that his behaviour is caused by the way you provoke him. He may tell you that if only you were loving, he wouldn’t need to be like this. You may even end up thinking that if only you could change, then he would change.

Well, you are wrong. The reason your boyfriend is like this doesn’t matter. What’s important is that you get out of this situation-right now! It may feel impossible, but you must escape. Violent men seldom change.

Is my man a pervert?
Dear Bunmi,
MY current boyfriend is a hunk-sophisticated and loving. He is also quite adventurous in his love-making. A few weeks ago, he said he’d like to spice up our sex life by bringing his camcorder into the bedroom and taping as we make love!

We currently live together but until he made his weird suggestion, I had no idea he was a pervert! Half joking, I told him he needed his head examined, but he laughed at me saying a lot of his friends did it and that it wasn’t such a big deal. Is he normal?
Mandy
By E-mail.

Dear Mandy,
There is no evidence your boyfriend is a pervert. His request is, in fact within the range of normal sex play among consenting adults. Quite a number of couples actually enjoy making love in front of a video camera and nobody is hurt as long as both partners agree the tapes will go no further than their own VCRs. You sound as if your boyfriend’s request surprised, rather than offended you!

Why don’t you indulge his fantasy at least once? Perhaps you might just find the experience pleasurable-or you might feel awkward and uncomfortable. If you do, tell him you don’t relish the idea of being a porn star!


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