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Is the second wife getting all the loving?

By Bunmi Sofola
Dear Bunmi,
About seven years ago, my husband took a second wife and that nearly tore the family to shreds. I felt betrayed and moved out of the home to my own flat. My husband moved in his new wife though my children stayed with their father. Over the years, the children have settled in with their stepmother and they have nothing but praises for her.

As a result, my hostility towards my husband thawed and he started coming to visit. He used to be quite randy and it was a shock to discover that he seldom wants sex. He is in his mid-fifties and I will be 50 soon. Why has his sex life changed so much in just seven years? Are there ways of getting him back on track?
Alero
By email

Dear Alero,
A sudden loss of libido can indicate the onset of a medical problem. Try and discuss this with your husband and encourage him to se a doctor. However, the poor man’s declining interest in sex must probably reflect no more than the advance in age. Like you, your man is simply getting older and the balance of his hormone is changing.

Don’t forget the fact that the wife at home would want sex tool. Your desire for love making might be a yearning for confirmation that you’re still as attractive to him as before in spite of his other wife.

Be patient with him and don’t expect any fireworks. Rebuilding your broken relationship should be the priority here. Your sex life should improve with time.

She claims I was a one night stand

Dear Bunmi,
I am happily married with children. Early in the year, this lovely lady joined the company I worked for. She is a computer analyst and is sexy, witty and intelligent. We are good friends and I know her fiancé.

A couple of months ago, she had a party in her house and I stayed behind to help her clear up as her man was out of town. One thing led to the other and we made love. It was fantastic and I instantly fell in love with her.

She, however, made it clear that it was a one night stand and that she is very much in love with her fiancé. My problem now is that I just can’t stop thinking about her and our love making.

I long to touch her. I’m not really the promiscuous type and I thought what I had with my wife was good. But it was magic with this girl. Although she says it’s over, I can not bear the thought that I’ll never make love to her again.
Donatus
By e-mail

Dear Donatus,
It is a fact that we are all programmed by nature to fancy a variety of potential lovers but you are now married and your oats-sowing days are over. As much as you’re infatuated with this girt, you must let her go to make her commitment to her fiancé work. Don’t deceive yourself that she is the love of your life. You’ve had your fling now put it behind you.

She is not romantically interested in you and the earlier you faced this fact, the better for your peace of mind. Cherish the friendship you have by all means, but accept the fact that she no longer wants you sexually, and move on.

He still wants his dead wife’s picture on the wall !

Dear Bunmi,
My husband was a widower when t met him and we got married six years ago. Normally, I expected that, with time, the house would reflect the two of us. I was wrong. My husband was reluctant to change anything. His dead wife’s photographs still adorn the sitting room alongside mine. It is realty spooky.

I work from home, so I’m surrounded by her ‘presence’ most of the time. My husband buys things for the house without asking how I feel. It is really depressing living with him. I used to have my own flat which I rented out to be with him. I’ve never felt his house is my home; it’s as if I’m living in his house with his dead wife. He’s been living in the house for over 25 years. If things don’t improve, I’m thinking of moving back to my flat. We have two children and he had six from his dead wife.
Chinyere,
Festac.

Dear Chinyere,
You moved into ready made environment created by your husband and his dead wife and I’m not surprised you feel as if you don’t belong there. You admitted he’s been living in the same house for years, so you have to introduce him to the rewards of change without making him believe you want to blot out the memory of his first wife.

Instead of criticizing and showing disapproval,I will advise you sit him down and talk to him. You should be prepared to make compromises too. His wife might be dead, but they were together for years and had six children between them.

Decide on how many of her photographs should be displayed in the living room, the type of furniture you’ll like in the house, especially your bedroom and show the family you’re not intent on getting rid of the first wife’s memory. The children too would have to be taken into consideration when you are doing these changes. Drastic changes needs a lot of patience but you will make them in time.

My daughter’s dress sense is embarrassing

Dear Bunmi,
My youngest child is just over 20 and is in the university. All of a sudden, she’s wearing so much make-up, it makes her look like a tramp. She has really nice eyeballs but you can hardly see them because of the heavy mascara she wears. She wears a lot of weird lipsticks and her hairstyle is out of this world. She’s done so much colouring and heaven-know-what else to it that I fear she might go bald.

I’ve tried talking to her but she told me that’s the way her friends behave. We are a decent Christian family and I don’t want her to be out of control. My husband tells me to ignore her, as she would change only if she wants to. I’ve seen people stare at her and make nasty remarks, especially about the skimpy clothes she wears. It is sad to see a decent daughter turn into a rebel.
Fadekemi,
By e-mail

Dear Fadekemi
Your husband is right though. Once a girl starts down the road of cosmetic alteration, she may find it hard to turn back. Without her armour of make-up and skimpy wears, your daughter might be tagged an out-cast by the peers she’s emulating. She sees herself as a glamour puss and finds comfort in the attention she’s getting. If you want her to change why not talk her into both of you having a make-over?

There are loads of girls of her age doing this and if it is a professional showing her what to wear and how to wear them, she just might listen to her instead of you. You’re worried because her looking like a tart seems a reflection on how badly you’ve brought her up. But this is not so. Believe me, she is doing her thing and this phase will definitely pass.

He’s disabled but loving

Dear Bunmi,
I am a girt in her mid-twenties and became friendly with a rich man handicapped by polio in one leg. We have made love a few times. Lately, I met another man in my office who was first friendly with my cousin but later professed his love for me, saying that he showed interest in my cousin only to develop a link between him and me.

We have also made love a few times. My cousin has recently confided in me that they were lovers. Please suggest what I should do. Leave the first man who loves me greatly and hope that after a period of time he will forget about me? Or send my deceitful new boyfriend packing?
Jaiye,
By e-mail

Dear Jaiye,
You seem to measure the seriousness of an affair by the rate you jump into your lover’s bed. Sex is not a true measure of love you know? And how do you know that a man who has slept with your cousin and deceived you into sleeping with him won’t betray your love with another of your relations? Or possibly a friend?

You need to think seriously about your life. Your first boyfriend sounds a nice person. You don’t love him obviously or you wouldn’t have been eager to jump into another man’s bed at th drop of a hat. I suggest you re-evaluate your love-life and look for a man you truly can fall in love with.

Want to enjoy sex more

Dear Bunmi,
I am 28 and have had sex a few times, but I have never enjoyed the act or had what experts call an orgasm. I have a man now that I love very much and he is very worried that sex doesn’t give me as much satisfaction as it gives him. 1 told him not to worry about me as I was more concerned about his pleasure but he said he doesn’t want to be selfish. Can I ever have an orgasm?
Sherifat,
By e-mail

Dear Sherifat,
You should really learn to enjoy sex. Orgasm is not the be-all and end-all of all sex relationships. Now, ask yourself, do you encourage fore-play? Are you always completely relaxed during love-making?

Fortunately you love your man and that’s important. Now, encourage him to teach you all he knows about sex. If you are relaxed, you can also pin-point the aspect of love-making you enjoy and encourage him to focus more on this.

Aren’t you a bit reckless with your answer?

Dear Bunmi,
I don’t agree with your advice on pre-marital sex. It seems to me that a girl having five lovers or more before wedlock, which you often suggest is now the norm, is very risky. With such easy pickings, men must be laughing their heads off with lust-unless they catch a nasty disease along the way. The guilt left behind causes a lot of misery. If sex is worth anything, it is worth waiting for.

Treating sex as a commodity or having sex on a whim devalues it. Without love, sex becomes as meaningless as scratching your ‘bum. There is an alarming rise in Aids and sexually transmitted diseases. There are also many thousands of unwanted children languishing in orphanages around the world. All this misery being caused by a few minutes of sweaty struggle is almost obscene, and I think your views are a bit reckless.
Natalie,
By e-mail.

Dear Natalie,
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. The years of being free and single stretch ever longer as youngsters delay entering committed relationships. Girls once got married soon after becoming fertile. Society now encourages them to become physically and emotionally more mature before agreeing to marry and bear children, inevitably, most – if not all – teenagers, 20-somethings and 30-somethings experiment with sex during this period. Most divorcees and many whose partners have died also seek sex without marriage.

Sexually transmitted diseases and unwanted children spring from ignorance, recklessness and lack of choice. Condemning sex between young people encourages furtive behaviour that spreads guilt, accidental pregnancies and infection. I agree that sex is beautiful and valuable. It shouldn’t be cheapened or made shabby. A golden rule for all of us is never to do anything of which we feel ashamed. I can’t agree that we need to make arbitrary judgements about which couples should or will enjoy sex.


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